Le Journey : Random

Assalamualaikum 💓

Hi there. It's me again. Two posts in the same month?! Haven't done that in a while.

You know how women go through the menstrual cycle monthly? I have an additional phase where I have trouble sleeping. It's either I take a long time to fall asleep, or I wake up way too early and cannot go back to sleep. Usually, it's the latter lah. I've been facing this for the past week and I'm just super sleepy right now. Add headache to that package.

I hope this phase goes away asap because I can't stand the constant headache.

People usually assume that it happens because I think too much. It's true to a certain point, but I don't think that's the case. I don't even do it intentionally. My brain would just suddenly start thinking about the most random stuff that are not of my concern anymore, and I have no idea how to stop it. Pink noise does help sometimes, but if I start falling asleep to the noise, I become immune to it the next day and it won't work anymore.

It comes by once in a while. Comes uninvited, leaves unannounced. Tiba-tiba nanti dah okay, dah boleh tidur macam biasa. I'm used to it, but at the same time I can't seem to get used to it. Namsein.

I just yawned for the nth time today.

But alhamdulillah, I'm still alive and healthy. I'm grateful for my life right now; the people, work, environment, etc. There are so many more things that I should be grateful for, rather than complain about my sleeping habits.

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This is a bit out of the blue, but I suddenly want to write about iman. I always face this struggle where, alhamdulillah I feel so close to Allah but in the next 10 minutes, my iman can drop to a point where I start to wonder how and what I should do to feel close to Allah. It can happen instantly. I don't even have to wait until the next solat time to feel that way. It makes me realize how fragile one's iman can be, and the only way we can fix that is by praying to Allah to tetapkan our iman. Just pray, pray and pray. Never stop praying to Allah no matter how shameful or sinful we feel at that moment.

Allah knows us best. Allah knows what lies deep inside our hearts without us having to say it. There's no way to lie to Allah about our feelings.

Semoga kita menjadi insan yang sentiasa mencari Allah, mencari keredaan-Nya dan sentiasa berdoa mengharapkan pengampunan-Nya dalam hidup kita. Semoga kita teguh melawan nafsu dan bisikan syaitan dan sentiasa ingat yang Allah sedang melihat kita. Semoga Allah sentiasa hadirkan penyesalan dan keinsafan dalam hati kita tiap kali kita berbuat dosa.

Semoga kita semua bertemu di syurga nanti.

Insyaallah amin.

Till the next post!

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Assalamualaikum dunia!💥

Cuba teka siapa dok tangguh nak buat cover letter sampai harini lepastu decide nak update blog instead?

Ugh macam-macam alasan dah aku bagi dekat diri sendiri. Tapi tulah susahnyaaaa nak buat cover letter! Dia macam senang tapi jadi susah bila fikir cara nak buat surat tu jadi attractive. Susahlah weh astaghfirullah berapa kali dah aku give up ni. Bila dah mula buat, aku sendiri pulak rasa yang ada benda tak cukup, ada benda yang aku boleh improve. Penatlah berfikir.

Dah lama tak menulis dalam BM dekat blog ni. Aku baca posts lama lepastu rindu nak tulis dalam BM. Rasa kagum gila dengan cara penulisan aku yang dulu. Sekarang? BM ke English ke sama je ke laut hahaha inilah padahnya bila dah lama tak membaca. Aku nak tulis BM pun jadi kekok padahal hari-hari cakap BM. Segala kosa kata yang aku pernah tahu dah tersorok dalam kepala ni. Macam mana entah nak keluarkan. Paling teruk, secara tak sedar otak aku tengah translate ayat dari English ke BM sekarang ni. Mungkin sebab aku asyik tulis English je selama ni sampai aku dah terbiasa.

Aku ada beli buku Kitab Tamadun Melayu by The Patriots dalam dua bulan lepas. Tapi sampai sekarang belum habis baca. Separuh pun tak sampai lagi :') Di mana aku yang duluuu yang boleh habiskan buku setebal alam dalam sehari 😭 Aku beli sebab aku minat sejarah tapi hmmm adakah aku sudah berubah :') Atau aku sekadar manusia pemalas :')

Pelik sebenarnya bila tiba-tiba aku aktif dekat blog. Tak adalah aktif sangat, tapi aktif lah dari kebiasaannya. Aku jadi suka nak menulis balik bila dah tak sibuk ni. Setiap masa rasa nak keluarkan semua yang ada dalam kepala ni dalam bentuk penulisan. Macam dulu. Rasa seronok and healing bila menulis. Masalahnya sekarang, bila aku dah rajin menulis dekat blog balik, tak ada orang nak update blog pun 😭 Memang sekarang tak ada siapa suka menulis ke macam mana 😭 Aku rasa aku nak cari blog-blog baru untuk aku baca lepas aku habis tulis ni. Di mana semangat menulis anda wahai rakyat Malaysia dan masyarakat global 😭 Sesungguhnya saya bosan so saya nak baca pasal kehidupan dan pengalaman strangers 😭

Till the next post!

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Assalamualaikum 💖

First of all, HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, MALAYSIA! 🎆

Second of all, I'm bored. I just thought of writing. Maybe it can unleash all the hidden emotions within me.

I actually met up with my form 1 - 3 classmates a week or two ago. It took a lot of courage for me to attend the reunion because I hadn't seen most of them ever since school ended. I was nervous and afraid if I would end up wanting to go home as soon as I arrived. The thought of meeting strangers was more appealing to me. But deep in my heart, I did want to go because it's been soooo long and I knew that if I didn't go this time, I might end up not joining them forever haha. So I did. With my friends' encouragements.

There's another reunion for my SPM classmates this weekend but I'm still not sure if I want to come or not... Now I understand why in some movies, the lead actors always refuse to go to their school reunions. I couldn't understand before this like just go and meet up with your old friends it's not that hard. Well, I guess it's easier said than done.

In another news, I just deleted about 10 albums in my phone dedicated to K-Pop. I've been wanting to do that for a while now but it wasn't easy at all. I've been a K-Pop fan for more than half of my life now. Hold up, I'm not saying that I'm going to quit liking K-Pop. That's just... impossible at the moment. It'd be like I'm letting go of half of my source of happiness that has stayed with me for more than a decade now.

This would be hard to understand for non-Kpop fans. It's not only about the music. It's about how some of the artists would give out words of wisdom, encouragement, advice, etc. to the fans when we need them most. It's about the inspiration they give us to keep going and improving ourselves to do better. It's about how some of them share their experiences and deepest emotions, making sure that we know we're not alone in this, or if not, that we are aware about these kinds of situations. Yes, I'm talking about Jae, and the rest of DAY6.

It's less about the aegyo and all kinds of concepts they can pull. Less about the pleasant personalities that they choose to show us. But it's more about the fact that they choose to show that they, the idols, are imperfect humans too. Making us feel belonged. It's these things that make it hard for me to let go.

This has been going through my head for weeks now. Ever since I had troubles balancing these two worlds. I considered abandoning K-Pop for me to focus more on my ibadah. But then I wondered if K-Pop really strayed me away from Islam? I admit that sometimes it does, like when I prayed in a rush because of a concert, and so on. It happens whenever I'm active on my stan Twitter account. There, everyone is like super updated and I didn't want to miss out on anything. But the thing is, K-Pop is not the sole reason that I became distracted in my ibadah. It happened whenever I prioritized the worldly matters more than anything, forgetting that Allah is the owner of time. The One who owns this world. Who am I to neglect my ibadah when I'm the one who needs Him, and not the other way around?

What finally made me decide to delete those albums was a video by Ustaz Adnin. I just felt like googling "Is kpop haram" and that video came out. Some lectures would just straight up say, yes it's haram, but he's unbiased. I like that he doesn't specify his answers towards K-Pop, but instead he discussed the issue generally on all forms of entertainment. That immediately made me want to continue listening. When he talked about obsession to the point of saving the photos of the artists in one's phone, I was like 'whoa hold up I'm going to delete these RIGHT NOW' haha. To be very honest, I rarely even looked at the photos I saved (except for memes) but I keep them saved in my phone anyway. Thousands of pictures only for birthday purposes hshshds. I thought I wouldn't feel anything when I deleted them but bruh it felt like I was breaking up with someone haha. But I'm absolutely fine as I've been wanting to delete them anyways.

So, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to log out of that stan Twitter account that created that pressure in me to stay updated with everything. Probably not going to delete it (yet). I think I'll be better then. With less fangirling and obsession over K-Pop :')

I think this all the time but I miss the 2015 me.

Pray for me, everyone. I'm trying to change but slowly so I don't get shocked.

Till the next post!

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Assalamualaikum 💖

Hello there hehe it's been super loooonngg since I actually talked about something here. It's the toughest semester yet. Two subjects are killing me currently. I'm done with one of them but I still have a project to finish for the other one.😕 I'm actually, really, scared if I fail anything this semester. They're too hard to score and I can't bear to repeat them in the coming semesters. Like NO. The project that I'm doing is based on SolidWorks ugh I'm still struggling with it. It sounded doable and easy during our first lecture, but now I feel like crying because of this. I can already go home right at this instant, but this project is holding me back. It feels impossible for me to do it by myself.

Do I regret not starting the project much earlier? Yes, I do.

I just wanna go homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

But anyway, Selamat Hari Raya everyone! It's been a week but as long as it's still Syawal the greeting is valid ok haha. My family's theme for this year was maroon. Frankly I disliked my baju raya at first. I only bought it because while going out with my family, I was the only one left who hadn't found anything to wear at the time (this happens every year tbh😂). At one point we found a baju kurung which I wasn't that fond of, but my sisters said that it was pretty. I felt like my family was getting tired of walking around, in and out of shops, and even I was getting tired and annoyed at myself like WHY can't you just find one outfit WHY?! Hence I decided to just take that baju kurung. I didn't like it since I bought it when I was upset at myself, but on the first day of raya I was like "Oh cantik jugak" HAHAHAHA. Dahlah kau mengada je lebih eh.

I thought of writing a short story and post it here, but unfortunately my creativity has long since left my soul. The last time I actually wrote a short story was probably during my SPM days, both in Malay and English hihi. Maybe I'll start something and Idk if it turns out good, I'll post it here. If not, just forget the fact that I even said it in the first place. But even if I were to write one, it's going to have to wait until I manage to find the time to write about what I did last February hehehe I'M SO EXCITED!! Insyaallah I'm going to start with it this coming semester break hehe💖

I think that's about it. I just wanted to make a short update here since I miss blogging so much.😟 Pray for me and wish me luck for this unfinished project and also final exams that are going to start next week!😋

Till the next post!😸

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Assalamualaikum, hi ♥

We meet again boohoo. I just listened to Rock N' Roll and the lesson is, we should be ourselves and don't mind what others say about us. Whew I love Avril, her songs give me inspirations, help me get stronger. I think it may be because aku minat dia since I was 8. See, ada sesetengah minat kita boleh bagi inspirasi. So start finding your own minat and get your inspirations.

Kelakar tak kalau aku end post dekat situ? Macam segan je masuk-masuk cakap pasal Avril lol haha hit me. Alang-alang start dah pasal inspiration, aku nak sembang pasal inspiration. Unplanned ok unplanned, sebab mula-mula aku nak cakap pasal likes and dislikes aku tup tup eh inspiration keluar nak buat pasal inspiration keke next post aku nak type tanpa henti tanpa guna backspace langsung.

Tak cerita dia macam ni. Avril tu related to music and ada orang inspiration dia music. Kau cite apa ni monyet, syok sendiri betul. Dalam bahasa mudahnya, ada banyaaakk benda dalam dunia ni boleh jadi inspiration dekat orang. Batu pun boleh jadi inspiration kau tahu, yelah inspiration untuk jadi kuat macam batu tu. Bila kita suka someone, someone tu pun boleh jadi inspiration. Family, kawan, crush, love, semua tu lah. Pokoknya, inspiration tu boleh datang daripada macam-macam benda dekat dunia ni. Bukan setakat dunia, akhirat pun boleh jadi inspiration.

Bagi aku, inspiration ni fungsinya untuk bantu kita jalani kehidupan seharian, bantu kita berjaya, etc. Ya, memang, ada agama untuk lead kita dalam life ni dah cukup, tapi sebenarnya tak cukup pun. Kau bayangkanlah, kau patuh dengan ajaran agama kita, tapi kau takde inspiration pun. Macam kau tak ada tujuan hidup. Sama jugak dalam belajar. Ada orang nak kerja jawatan tinggi, tapi dia tak minat pun belajar. Kenapa? Sebab dia belum ada inspiration yang betul-betul kukuh untuk move dia. Antara inspiration tu is ibu bapa dia, idola, gaji banyak, etc.

However, sometimes, inspiration kita boleh hilang. Ini yang buat kita rasa macam I don't wanna live anymore I hate this world and whatsoever. Our inspirations memang boleh affect life kita. Broken-hearted people are the best examples.You see, ada orang bila patah hati, memang life dia miserable betul, macam hilang arah hidup for a while. Sebab? Love is their inspirations. Contoh lain pulak, batu tadi. Batu boleh pecah, hancur, so dia start fikir, oh can my life be destroyed like that? Bila negative thoughts muncul tu yang problem. When this happens, we need to think positively, everything's gonna be okay. Next, he/she needs to find a new inspiration or hobby. Contoh? Diamond.

To me, it's good to have inspirations in order to live properly. But to have inspired others, it would be the best achievement ever.

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Assalamualaikum ♥

Taip. Padam. Taip. Padam. Dah berapa ribu kali entah aku buat benda yang sama. Topik lain lain. Ada yang pendek, ada yang panjang berjela-jela. Tapi semua aku padam. Sebab bila baca balik, aku tak faham apa maksud aku. Kejap dekat Malaysia, kejap dah sampai Singapore, kejap patah balik pergi China, tiba tiba terbang terus pergi Canada, lepastu singgah Greenland, pusing pusing punya pusing baru sampai Malaysia balik. Agak agak kalau naik flight pusing satu dunia tanpa henti pening tak? Penat tak? Macam tulah aku rasa lepas baca balik apa yang aku taip sepanjang Tembok Besar China. Kalau penulis tak faham karya sendiri, pembacanya apatah lagi.

Menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu rasa tenang. Writing in English feels good. Sebenarnya aku selesa menaip dan menulis dalam kedua-dua bahasa tu. Ada sesetengah situasi buat aku rasa guna English lebih baik, ada masa aku rasa guna Bahasa Melayu lebih bagus, ada jugak bila aku rasa combine dua dua sekali jalan yang terbaik. Yang pasti aku belum pernah menulis atau menaip dalam Korean lebih dari satu perenggan. Ayat semua dah terabur memang takkan boleh buat lebih. Kalau bagi orang Korea baca mahu mati sebab tak cukup nafas nak gelak.

Aku memang suka cakap sorang sorang. Bukan sarcasm, memang suka. Bukannya suka, dah memang habit. Bukannya habit. Aduh, aku pun tak tahu nak jelaskan. Yang pasti aku memang akan buat tanpa sedar. Cakap dengan benda tak hidup pun selalu, sebab kadang-kadang, cakap dengan non-living things rasa lebih puas dari cakap dengan manusia. Kadang-kadang pun rasa macam benda tak hidup sahaja yang faham hati aku (walaupun dia tak pernah dengar atau faham pun sebenarnya). Kalaulah benda-benda tu semua bernyawa, ada dua kemungkinan. Sama ada semua tu jadi sahabat aku, ataupun muak dengan segala curhat yang aku muntahkan selama ini. Apalah rasanya bila terpaksa pendamkan suatu rasa yang mustahil diluahkan. Senang susah jatuh bangun menghadapi rasa itu segalanya dilakukan sendirian. Sungguh aku mahu jauhi situasi sebegitu.

Yang aku mahu katakan asalnya, hidup ini drama. Silap, umpama drama. Bila fikirkan balik storyline hidup aku, akan ada rasa macam semua yang aku lalui persis jalan hidup watak utama sebuah drama. People come and go, new people come and leave too. But some you love and who love you stay forever. Kadang-kadang aku terasa mahu bukukan hidup aku atau rakam semua yang aku buat dari waktu aku dalam perut mama sampailah sekarang. Beri aku tonton, aku mahu ingat semuanya. Biar jadi memori indah, biar jadi pengajaran di masa depan. Dan bila aku tua kelak, muka berkedut, badan mengecut, rambut bertukar putih, aku mahu tonton video itu semula. Waktu itu, terukir senyuman dan berlinangan air mata mengingati segala perkara pahit dan manis serta arus kehidupan deras yang aku harungi demi kebahagiaan yang satu.

'Kalau sayang, tetap sayang. Kalau benci, tetap benci.' Kalau sayang, memang boleh terus sayang seseorang itu. Tapi kalau benci, aku rasa memang tak mustahil nak hilangkan rasa benci tu. Bagi aku, paling teruk pun biarlah tak suka je. Benci macam terlalu kejam dan melampau. Memang tak boleh lupa pun apa perkara buruk yang dia buat dekat kita. Buatlah macam mana sekalipun, mesti akan ingat. Bahkan akan lagi ingat kalau cuba lupakan. Just let it go slowly. Maafkan pun dah memadai. Walaupun tak ikhlas, usaha tangga kejayaan.

Jujur, subjek-subjek form 4 memang susah. Susah sangat bagi orang yang malas belajar macam aku. Yang rajin belajar, semua soalan Biology Physics and Chemistry dia boleh jawab macam sebut ABC mudahnya hidup macam tu. Aku memang senang sangat mengantuk dan berkhayal dan berangan. Susah betul nak fokus dalam kelas kalau macam tu. Pandang cikgu dengan muka serius tapi dalam kepala dah fikir benda lain. Sejarah yang aku suka pun aku jarang tahu apa yang cikgu cakapkan dekat depan. Most of the time aku akan lihat meja belajar sebagai bantal. Belajar last minute pulak menjadi kebiasaan. Jadual belajar buat, tapi tak pernah ikut. Boleh nampak tinggi mana tahap disiplin aku di situ. Sebab tu aku tak stress macam pelajar lain. Kalau stress pulak, kupas kulit pisang pun aku akan malas. Rasa give up muncul tak semena-mena.

Aku tak sangka aku taip sejauh ni. Aku tak sangka aku membebel sebanyak ni. Omy shut my mouth.

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