Hello. After three months, I'm finally here.

I want to ask myself, "How's life?" but the only answer that comes out is,

"It's hard."

Well, actually it's a bit vague. It's hard, but I'm surviving. I'm trying my best to look at things positively.

Overall, it just feels like my effort is not enough, no matter what I do. I want to do more and be better, but I don't know where to start.

---

I accepted a job offer over a month ago, knowing full well that the company is fast-paced. Everyone at the company warned me, but I took it as a challenge because there's nothing impossible to achieve in this world.

But little did I know, I overestimated myself. My head keeps nagging me, "It's not even that hard. What are you so slow for?" but my inner self is struggling a lot to meet my brain's demand. To meet everyone's demand.

I thought I was good at multitasking until I came here. I used to be so good at juggling, but right now there are too many balls to juggle to the point that my hands can't keep up.

There were many instances when I wanted to give up, but I can't. Not until I achieve my goals. My ultimate goals in life.

Fret not, everyone at the company is really nice and willing to help me. But it's also normal to get scolded if you mess up, or if you're too slow. That's all.

This is dramatic but last week I finished my work at 7pm and when I saw the sunset as I was driving, I cried. I love sunsets. I really do. But that was the first time I cried when watching the sun set. I guess all the burden I had been feeling just flowed out then. I didn't even realize I had been suppressing all those emotions in me. I kept brainwashing myself "It's okay, it's okay. You can do this!" without knowing that would mentally harm me.

Someday, insyaallah, I'll make it. Pray for me.

Meanwhile, I'll keep giving my best and surviving.

Until I really survive.

P.S. I miss writing.

Till the next post!💕