Le Journey : Rant

Assalamualaikum 💓

Hi there. It's me again. Two posts in the same month?! Haven't done that in a while.

You know how women go through the menstrual cycle monthly? I have an additional phase where I have trouble sleeping. It's either I take a long time to fall asleep, or I wake up way too early and cannot go back to sleep. Usually, it's the latter lah. I've been facing this for the past week and I'm just super sleepy right now. Add headache to that package.

I hope this phase goes away asap because I can't stand the constant headache.

People usually assume that it happens because I think too much. It's true to a certain point, but I don't think that's the case. I don't even do it intentionally. My brain would just suddenly start thinking about the most random stuff that are not of my concern anymore, and I have no idea how to stop it. Pink noise does help sometimes, but if I start falling asleep to the noise, I become immune to it the next day and it won't work anymore.

It comes by once in a while. Comes uninvited, leaves unannounced. Tiba-tiba nanti dah okay, dah boleh tidur macam biasa. I'm used to it, but at the same time I can't seem to get used to it. Namsein.

I just yawned for the nth time today.

But alhamdulillah, I'm still alive and healthy. I'm grateful for my life right now; the people, work, environment, etc. There are so many more things that I should be grateful for, rather than complain about my sleeping habits.

---------------------------

This is a bit out of the blue, but I suddenly want to write about iman. I always face this struggle where, alhamdulillah I feel so close to Allah but in the next 10 minutes, my iman can drop to a point where I start to wonder how and what I should do to feel close to Allah. It can happen instantly. I don't even have to wait until the next solat time to feel that way. It makes me realize how fragile one's iman can be, and the only way we can fix that is by praying to Allah to tetapkan our iman. Just pray, pray and pray. Never stop praying to Allah no matter how shameful or sinful we feel at that moment.

Allah knows us best. Allah knows what lies deep inside our hearts without us having to say it. There's no way to lie to Allah about our feelings.

Semoga kita menjadi insan yang sentiasa mencari Allah, mencari keredaan-Nya dan sentiasa berdoa mengharapkan pengampunan-Nya dalam hidup kita. Semoga kita teguh melawan nafsu dan bisikan syaitan dan sentiasa ingat yang Allah sedang melihat kita. Semoga Allah sentiasa hadirkan penyesalan dan keinsafan dalam hati kita tiap kali kita berbuat dosa.

Semoga kita semua bertemu di syurga nanti.

Insyaallah amin.

Till the next post!

No Comments

Assalamualaikum 💖

Hi there! I feel the urge to write today.

Nothing urgent, though. I just had the impulse to post a story on Instagram, describing my experience. But then it got too long and I thought, why not do it on my blog instead?

I truly, truly, miss writing. Writing makes me feel soooo good. It helps me to express my emotions, more so especially because I find it hard to talk about my feelings. My feelings are better expressed through writing, although I feel like I'm improving these days hahaha sebab whenever I feel like nak ngadu to my man, I always end up using voice note since I find it faster and easier. However, my thoughts are always better organized and let out through writing. It's more detailed since all thoughts that I have in my head are let out. It also helps me to remember the stories and certain emotions that come with them. I LOVE IT.

That's what writing does for me, even though I rarely write these days. I just find it to be a hassle to switch on my laptop to write on my blog. I can write on my phone, sure, but it doesn't feel the same. I love the feeling and sound of the clacking keyboard when I write a full length story. My phone pun ada that keyboard sound, but it's not the same. Nak tulis physically? Lagilah malas 😭 My handwriting has been getting so bad after I graduated secondary school. It's like doctor's handwriting in which only I can understand. One time, my ex-manager saw my handwriting and said "jarang tengok perempuan tulisan macam ni". Hahaha I was not offended; I was more like in an utter disbelief and amusement at the same time because he actually has the same handwriting as me! 😂

But anyway, I want to write on my experience meeting doctors regarding period pain.

My period pain can get extreme at times. To the point that I would throw up or get diarrhea with it. Usually, when I experience the extreme pain, I would take a leave from work. But there was one time last year that I decided to get an MC instead in order to get a diagnosis from the doctor; is my condition normal or not? When I met the doctor and told him that I was having period pain, he snickered. As if my pain wasn't enough, I had to meet this scornful doctor who might have thought my condition was like "meh". Ugh. Since then, I never went to doctors again for period pain issues.

However, this time, I just started working at my new company. Alhamdulillah, overall, it's been good. I might talk about this in some other posts if I rajin haha. Since I've only been there for two months, I didn't want to take too many leaves just yet. So I had no other choice than to take an MC.

I went to the clinic, secretly hoping that I'll meet a female doctor who would understand me. But as I opened the door to the treatment room, I saw a male figure behind the desk. There was an immediate mixture of disappointment and hope at that moment. I felt skeptical towards the doctor due to my previous experience, but to my surprise, he was nothing like what I thought. Astaghfirullah, I should have husnudzon towards him. He looked concerned about my pain and gave me an injection of painkillers, which was probably the most painful injection I have ever received. The pain lingered on for soooo long until I reached home. But as the pain on my arm subsided, my menstrual cramps did, too. Alhamdulillah.

And that's the story of me who stereotyped male doctors haha. Just like how not all flowers look the same, I shouldn't have judged them to have the same mindset when it comes to period pain. It's just unfair of me to do that. My faith in humanity has been restored hewhew.

Till the next post!

No Comments

Assalamualaikum 💓

Right now I'm stressed out because of my blog. I don't know why but it lags so much recently. I tried to change to another theme but it's not working. It can only load faster if I change to an official theme from Blogger. The thing is, I don't see the same problem happening with other blogs. Ugh kesabaranku teruji di petang Ahad ini.

I like to read my posts so it's reaaallyyy frustrating when it takes too long to load. But at the same time, I like my blog pretty so I don't want to change to a Blogger theme.

Fuh, nak marah tapi kena sabar.

Please, I have no idea what I should do. Nak beli template tapi if the same issue occurs, then it would be a waste of money. Jangan sampai saya delete blog ni huahua (jk I can never do that).

Okay, let that be for a moment.

Another issue that I'm dealing with is... Overthinking.

I'm an overthinking person. I always overthink and get stressed out about it when in actuality, none of the things that run through my head occurs in real life. It sucks when I know, myself, that it's not happening, and it's not going to happen, but my mind keeps going in circles around that specific thing, which then leads to me overthinking other stuff as well.

It also sucks because when I overthink, I get hurt emotionally and then the pain turns physical. No self-harm here, none at all. Some sort of pain would suddenly strike me in the left chest and arm. I don't know how to explain it. I've tried googling the condition before but to no avail. Whenever the pain comes, that's a sign that I need to chill and get those things off my head. I don't tell this to people because it sounds utterly ridiculous, although it's real. I don't know if other people face this.

Anyway, it's not that serious. The pain would go away with the emotional pain. But I think overthinking is one of the forms of self-harm because of the effects it would give to a person. It harms you mentally, emotionally and in my case, even physically.

I wasn't always like this. There was a point in my life when I was absolutely content and happy with myself. The abundant amount of love I had for myself was overwhelming. I remember my university friend asked me, how to not be insecure? You know what I answered her? Embrace your insecurities HAHA gila cliche. But I loved myself soooo much that not even my insecurities bothered me. But as soon as I got to job hunting, bruh my confidence level dropped to the ground ahaha.

Nowadays, it's not that I don't love myself. But my insecurities have beat me to it. In my relationship, I don't think there's a week that went by without me overthinking and seeking for reassurance. But alhamdulillah, he understands and he's being patient with that part of me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him but I still want to be with him... (dah mula overthinking) :(

OKAY STAHP! I seriously need to chill haha. These days, when I feel myself starting to overthink, I try my best to take a deep breath and think of other stuff. Be busy. Or think again. Do I really need to think that way? Is that even real? Is what I'm thinking even happening?

Alhamdulillah, it helps. Fuh. So I don't go rant to him straight away and make a mess haha but if I don't think I can get rid of that thought, then I'll tell him. We solve my complicated feelings together haha. I'm seriously grateful to meet someone who can handle me like this :(

I think that's it for today. I would LOVE to do this weekly and write again. But we'll have to see about that😴

Till the next post!

No Comments

Assalamualaikum dunia!💥

Cuba teka siapa dok tangguh nak buat cover letter sampai harini lepastu decide nak update blog instead?

Ugh macam-macam alasan dah aku bagi dekat diri sendiri. Tapi tulah susahnyaaaa nak buat cover letter! Dia macam senang tapi jadi susah bila fikir cara nak buat surat tu jadi attractive. Susahlah weh astaghfirullah berapa kali dah aku give up ni. Bila dah mula buat, aku sendiri pulak rasa yang ada benda tak cukup, ada benda yang aku boleh improve. Penatlah berfikir.

Dah lama tak menulis dalam BM dekat blog ni. Aku baca posts lama lepastu rindu nak tulis dalam BM. Rasa kagum gila dengan cara penulisan aku yang dulu. Sekarang? BM ke English ke sama je ke laut hahaha inilah padahnya bila dah lama tak membaca. Aku nak tulis BM pun jadi kekok padahal hari-hari cakap BM. Segala kosa kata yang aku pernah tahu dah tersorok dalam kepala ni. Macam mana entah nak keluarkan. Paling teruk, secara tak sedar otak aku tengah translate ayat dari English ke BM sekarang ni. Mungkin sebab aku asyik tulis English je selama ni sampai aku dah terbiasa.

Aku ada beli buku Kitab Tamadun Melayu by The Patriots dalam dua bulan lepas. Tapi sampai sekarang belum habis baca. Separuh pun tak sampai lagi :') Di mana aku yang duluuu yang boleh habiskan buku setebal alam dalam sehari 😭 Aku beli sebab aku minat sejarah tapi hmmm adakah aku sudah berubah :') Atau aku sekadar manusia pemalas :')

Pelik sebenarnya bila tiba-tiba aku aktif dekat blog. Tak adalah aktif sangat, tapi aktif lah dari kebiasaannya. Aku jadi suka nak menulis balik bila dah tak sibuk ni. Setiap masa rasa nak keluarkan semua yang ada dalam kepala ni dalam bentuk penulisan. Macam dulu. Rasa seronok and healing bila menulis. Masalahnya sekarang, bila aku dah rajin menulis dekat blog balik, tak ada orang nak update blog pun 😭 Memang sekarang tak ada siapa suka menulis ke macam mana 😭 Aku rasa aku nak cari blog-blog baru untuk aku baca lepas aku habis tulis ni. Di mana semangat menulis anda wahai rakyat Malaysia dan masyarakat global 😭 Sesungguhnya saya bosan so saya nak baca pasal kehidupan dan pengalaman strangers 😭

Till the next post!

No Comments

Assalamualaikum

These past few days, I've been avoiding social media. I don't want to know how people are doing in their lives. I'm neither curious nor interested to find out. The sight of some people uploading their whole lives for the public to see makes me feel sick.

It feels like the world is competing on who can make the best jokes out of people. The attempt to go viral, perhaps trying to fulfill the strong desire for attention. Man, you kind of see that every single day on Twitter.

I still remember the days when my Twitter wasn't private, when I was free to tweet whatever I want. Without the risk of being judged and exposed to the world. When the tweets that went viral were mostly from those "tweetfamous". Twitter was carefree, you tweet stuff, you relate to others, you see new people. That's about it. But nowadays, I wouldn't even dare to leave my tweets unprotected. People hating on each other, spreading news that we don't even know the extent of accuracy.

Not just that. People seeking attention also annoys me to the point that I just want to delete everything about that person. Usually I wouldn't even be bothered by it like girl you do what you want. But these days wow I can't seem to tolerate it. I know it's up to you to upload whatever that you want, that's not seeking attention. However, there's a fine line between letting people know what's going on in your life and seeeeeeeeeeking attention from human beings.

Next, people hunting animals and being proud of it. I can't even fathom this one like WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO CRUEL? WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER THOSE ANIMALS LIVING FREELY ON THEIR OWN? WHY WOULD YOU FREAKING STAND ON THEIR DEAD BODIES WHILE SMILING SO PROUDLY OF YOUR CRUELTY AND POST THEM ON SOCIAL MEDIA? IF IT'S FOR RESEARCH, THEN SHUT UP AND DON'T POST DISGUSTING PICTURES LIKE THAT AND EVEN HANG THEM AS A TROPHY IN YOUR HOME! YOU JUST TOOK A SOUL, WHERE IS YOUR HUMANITY?!

I'M ALSO SUPER SICK OF PEDOPHILES. I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO COMMENT MORE ON THIS BECAUSE WOW IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART TO KNOW HOW PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR HUMANITY.

Source: weheartit

TILL THE NEXT POST THEN!

No Comments

Pages

Le Writer

Le Categories

Le History