Le Journey : Thoughts

Assalamualaikum 💓

Right now I'm stressed out because of my blog. I don't know why but it lags so much recently. I tried to change to another theme but it's not working. It can only load faster if I change to an official theme from Blogger. The thing is, I don't see the same problem happening with other blogs. Ugh kesabaranku teruji di petang Ahad ini.

I like to read my posts so it's reaaallyyy frustrating when it takes too long to load. But at the same time, I like my blog pretty so I don't want to change to a Blogger theme.

Fuh, nak marah tapi kena sabar.

Please, I have no idea what I should do. Nak beli template tapi if the same issue occurs, then it would be a waste of money. Jangan sampai saya delete blog ni huahua (jk I can never do that).

Okay, let that be for a moment.

Another issue that I'm dealing with is... Overthinking.

I'm an overthinking person. I always overthink and get stressed out about it when in actuality, none of the things that run through my head occurs in real life. It sucks when I know, myself, that it's not happening, and it's not going to happen, but my mind keeps going in circles around that specific thing, which then leads to me overthinking other stuff as well.

It also sucks because when I overthink, I get hurt emotionally and then the pain turns physical. No self-harm here, none at all. Some sort of pain would suddenly strike me in the left chest and arm. I don't know how to explain it. I've tried googling the condition before but to no avail. Whenever the pain comes, that's a sign that I need to chill and get those things off my head. I don't tell this to people because it sounds utterly ridiculous, although it's real. I don't know if other people face this.

Anyway, it's not that serious. The pain would go away with the emotional pain. But I think overthinking is one of the forms of self-harm because of the effects it would give to a person. It harms you mentally, emotionally and in my case, even physically.

I wasn't always like this. There was a point in my life when I was absolutely content and happy with myself. The abundant amount of love I had for myself was overwhelming. I remember my university friend asked me, how to not be insecure? You know what I answered her? Embrace your insecurities HAHA gila cliche. But I loved myself soooo much that not even my insecurities bothered me. But as soon as I got to job hunting, bruh my confidence level dropped to the ground ahaha.

Nowadays, it's not that I don't love myself. But my insecurities have beat me to it. In my relationship, I don't think there's a week that went by without me overthinking and seeking for reassurance. But alhamdulillah, he understands and he's being patient with that part of me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him but I still want to be with him... (dah mula overthinking) :(

OKAY STAHP! I seriously need to chill haha. These days, when I feel myself starting to overthink, I try my best to take a deep breath and think of other stuff. Be busy. Or think again. Do I really need to think that way? Is that even real? Is what I'm thinking even happening?

Alhamdulillah, it helps. Fuh. So I don't go rant to him straight away and make a mess haha but if I don't think I can get rid of that thought, then I'll tell him. We solve my complicated feelings together haha. I'm seriously grateful to meet someone who can handle me like this :(

I think that's it for today. I would LOVE to do this weekly and write again. But we'll have to see about that😴

Till the next post!

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Assalamualaikum 💖

First of all, HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, MALAYSIA! 🎆

Second of all, I'm bored. I just thought of writing. Maybe it can unleash all the hidden emotions within me.

I actually met up with my form 1 - 3 classmates a week or two ago. It took a lot of courage for me to attend the reunion because I hadn't seen most of them ever since school ended. I was nervous and afraid if I would end up wanting to go home as soon as I arrived. The thought of meeting strangers was more appealing to me. But deep in my heart, I did want to go because it's been soooo long and I knew that if I didn't go this time, I might end up not joining them forever haha. So I did. With my friends' encouragements.

There's another reunion for my SPM classmates this weekend but I'm still not sure if I want to come or not... Now I understand why in some movies, the lead actors always refuse to go to their school reunions. I couldn't understand before this like just go and meet up with your old friends it's not that hard. Well, I guess it's easier said than done.

In another news, I just deleted about 10 albums in my phone dedicated to K-Pop. I've been wanting to do that for a while now but it wasn't easy at all. I've been a K-Pop fan for more than half of my life now. Hold up, I'm not saying that I'm going to quit liking K-Pop. That's just... impossible at the moment. It'd be like I'm letting go of half of my source of happiness that has stayed with me for more than a decade now.

This would be hard to understand for non-Kpop fans. It's not only about the music. It's about how some of the artists would give out words of wisdom, encouragement, advice, etc. to the fans when we need them most. It's about the inspiration they give us to keep going and improving ourselves to do better. It's about how some of them share their experiences and deepest emotions, making sure that we know we're not alone in this, or if not, that we are aware about these kinds of situations. Yes, I'm talking about Jae, and the rest of DAY6.

It's less about the aegyo and all kinds of concepts they can pull. Less about the pleasant personalities that they choose to show us. But it's more about the fact that they choose to show that they, the idols, are imperfect humans too. Making us feel belonged. It's these things that make it hard for me to let go.

This has been going through my head for weeks now. Ever since I had troubles balancing these two worlds. I considered abandoning K-Pop for me to focus more on my ibadah. But then I wondered if K-Pop really strayed me away from Islam? I admit that sometimes it does, like when I prayed in a rush because of a concert, and so on. It happens whenever I'm active on my stan Twitter account. There, everyone is like super updated and I didn't want to miss out on anything. But the thing is, K-Pop is not the sole reason that I became distracted in my ibadah. It happened whenever I prioritized the worldly matters more than anything, forgetting that Allah is the owner of time. The One who owns this world. Who am I to neglect my ibadah when I'm the one who needs Him, and not the other way around?

What finally made me decide to delete those albums was a video by Ustaz Adnin. I just felt like googling "Is kpop haram" and that video came out. Some lectures would just straight up say, yes it's haram, but he's unbiased. I like that he doesn't specify his answers towards K-Pop, but instead he discussed the issue generally on all forms of entertainment. That immediately made me want to continue listening. When he talked about obsession to the point of saving the photos of the artists in one's phone, I was like 'whoa hold up I'm going to delete these RIGHT NOW' haha. To be very honest, I rarely even looked at the photos I saved (except for memes) but I keep them saved in my phone anyway. Thousands of pictures only for birthday purposes hshshds. I thought I wouldn't feel anything when I deleted them but bruh it felt like I was breaking up with someone haha. But I'm absolutely fine as I've been wanting to delete them anyways.

So, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to log out of that stan Twitter account that created that pressure in me to stay updated with everything. Probably not going to delete it (yet). I think I'll be better then. With less fangirling and obsession over K-Pop :')

I think this all the time but I miss the 2015 me.

Pray for me, everyone. I'm trying to change but slowly so I don't get shocked.

Till the next post!

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Assalamualaikum.

WOW I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG AND NOW BLOGGER HAS CHANGED HAHA. I can't even find the emojis anywhere sheesh I'm too used to expressing myself using emojis. My writing feels angry when there isn't one. Or am I the only one who feels this way?

I honestly don't know why I'm here. I did my online presentation on green awareness today. Like finally, I got the chance to. It's a "first come, first serve" kind of presentation, so everyone was trying to seize the opportunity to present. I've been practising for two days and if I still didn't get to present today, I even thought of giving up lol.

How's life? Life's been good, alhamdulillah. A quick summary of 2020 so far:

I finished my final exams in January, that was the last time I saw my classmates.

After the exams, I went hiking with Hazim at Bukit Batu Putih, which was much much easier than Gunung Datuk. But the route to and from the beach was super hard and steep bruh me being me, I wanted to give up. But that was nothing compared to my prior experience. At least I didn't cry this time.

(Note to self: Buy a new pair of sports shoes if you want to go hiking again.)

I underwent internship at RAYMINTEX, Nuklear Malaysia for eight weeks. I loved it there. I don't know if I said this in my previous post. but everyone was really nice. They taught us instead of scolding. They showed us instead of ordering. Everyone was just very very helpful and accommodating. To be very honest, I didn't want to leave that place. I would really love to work with them. During my first week there, I even said that I had a feeling that I was going to miss this place. Farewell is always a huge problem to me because I just have this huge attachment to things that make me happy. I'm hoping to see them again someday. And that was also the last time I saw my other classmates undergoing internship at Nuklear Malaysia.

MCO happened. I've gone out exactly twice since then. It doesn't really bother me that I can't go out though. That's how much of a homebody I am. It feels nice to spend every day with my family. I do miss my friends sometimes but that's about it. UiTM also decided that there would only be online classes this semester. That means the next time I'm going to see my classmates is during our graduation day.

I don't think much has happened since then. Aside from online classes and assignments. There are times when I'd think about my future. What am I going to do for work, am I going to pass the interviews, will I be able to repay my parents' hard work in raising me, will I be able to take care of them the way they have been caring for me. I think about all those stuff.

Life is hard, adulting is even harder.

I'm thinking of editing my blog again. Someday.

I ALSO NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS NEW BLOGGER WORKS.

Take care everyone.

Stay home, and if you can't, stay safe.

Wash your hands frequently,

wear face masks if you're sick,

avoid crowded public areas,

and practise social distancing.

Praying for everyone's health and safety. Do pray for mine and my family's too.

Till the next post!

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