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 Assalamualaikum💖


(If you're here to judge, go away. Negativity is very much unwanted right now.)



Hello. This is a post dedicated to my first album, Shoot Me: Youth Part 1.

My firstborn album :(


I'm writing this because I feel like I can't let you go, although I just did. 

I can't believe I made that decision. I can't believe I let you go. What was I even thinking?

I'm sorry for letting you go.


You were, and still are very special to me. You're like my firstborn. You were the first K-Pop item that I owned. You were the first one who entered my K-Pop box. I was over the moon the first time I held you in my hands. And the last time I held you, I was overwhelmed with a thousand emotions I couldn't fathom. But most of it all, I felt broken.

I still feel sentimental whenever I listen to the songs from the album; Shoot Me, Still, Somehow, Feeling Good, Talking To, Warning. They bring me back to my study week in semester 2 at college, when my roommate was still at home and I was alone in the room. I was supposed to be studying, but guess what I did? I streamed Day6 Youth Concert in Seoul for three days straight through Mixlr, where I heard the members singing the songs from their new album for the first time, before the album even came out. My first paper was on Monday, and I spent my Sunday afternoon with Day6. Two days before my second paper, the album was released so my revision was accompanied by the new songs.

And about a month later, you reached me.


I'm not entirely sure how I should let you go. I keep reminding myself that this is a good start if I want to get rid of my attachment towards K-Pop. But this is hard. The box feels empty now without your small presence. The other albums are all taller and bigger than you are, so I ended up caring for you the most, making sure you were always at the top. I usually opened the box and could see you right away, but now? You're not even there.

My heart feels heavy to let you go. But I trust Krys would treasure you as much as, or even more than I did. I know, for sure, you'll be safe with her.


I'll miss you. Thank you for all the memories.

"아직도 난 널 원하나 봐"


Till the next post!
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 Assalamualaikum 💖

First of all, HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY, MALAYSIA! 🎆




Second of all, I'm bored. I just thought of writing. Maybe it can unleash all the hidden emotions within me.

I actually met up with my form 1 - 3 classmates a week or two ago. It took a lot of courage for me to attend the reunion because I hadn't seen most of them ever since school ended. I was nervous and afraid if I would end up wanting to go home as soon as I arrived. The thought of meeting strangers was more appealing to me. But deep in my heart, I did want to go because it's been soooo long and I knew that if I didn't go this time, I might end up not joining them forever haha. So I did. With my friends' encouragements.

There's another reunion for my SPM classmates this weekend but I'm still not sure if I want to come or not... Now I understand why in some movies, the lead actors always refuse to go to their school reunions. I couldn't understand before this like just go and meet up with your old friends it's not that hard. Well, I guess it's easier said than done.

In another news, I just deleted about 10 albums in my phone dedicated to K-Pop. I've been wanting to do that for a while now but it wasn't easy at all. I've been a K-Pop fan for more than half of my life now. Hold up, I'm not saying that I'm going to quit liking K-Pop. That's just... impossible at the moment. It'd be like I'm letting go of half of my source of happiness that has stayed with me for more than a decade now.

This would be hard to understand for non-Kpop fans. It's not only about the music. It's about how some of the artists would give out words of wisdom, encouragement, advice, etc. to the fans when we need them most. It's about the inspiration they give us to keep going and improving ourselves to do better. It's about how some of them share their experiences and deepest emotions, making sure that we know we're not alone in this, or if not, that we are aware about these kinds of situations. Yes, I'm talking about Jae, and the rest of DAY6.

It's less about the aegyo and all kinds of concepts they can pull. Less about the pleasant personalities that they choose to show us. But it's more about the fact that they choose to show that they, the idols, are imperfect humans too. Making us feel belonged. It's these things that make it hard for me to let go.

This has been going through my head for weeks now. Ever since I had troubles balancing these two worlds. I considered abandoning K-Pop for me to focus more on my ibadah. But then I wondered if K-Pop really strayed me away from Islam? I admit that sometimes it does, like when I prayed in a rush because of a concert, and so on. It happens whenever I'm active on my stan Twitter account. There, everyone is like super updated and I didn't want to miss out on anything. But the thing is, K-Pop is not the sole reason that I became distracted in my ibadah. It happened whenever I prioritized the worldly matters more than anything, forgetting that Allah is the owner of time. The One who owns this world. Who am I to neglect my ibadah when I'm the one who needs Him, and not the other way around?

What finally made me decide to delete those albums was a video by Ustaz Adnin. I just felt like googling "Is kpop haram" and that video came out. Some lectures would just straight up say, yes it's haram, but he's unbiased. I like that he doesn't specify his answers towards K-Pop, but instead he discussed the issue generally on all forms of entertainment. That immediately made me want to continue listening. When he talked about obsession to the point of saving the photos of the artists in one's phone, I was like 'whoa hold up I'm going to delete these RIGHT NOW' haha. To be very honest, I rarely even looked at the photos I saved (except for memes) but I keep them saved in my phone anyway. Thousands of pictures only for birthday purposes hshshds. I thought I wouldn't feel anything when I deleted them but bruh it felt like I was breaking up with someone haha. But I'm absolutely fine as I've been wanting to delete them anyways.

So, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to log out of that stan Twitter account that created that pressure in me to stay updated with everything. Probably not going to delete it (yet). I think I'll be better then. With less fangirling and obsession over K-Pop :')

I think this all the time but I miss the 2015 me.

Pray for me, everyone. I'm trying to change but slowly so I don't get shocked.

Till the next post!
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Assalamualaikum 💝

I WENT TO THE SUPER JUNIOR D&E CONCERT!!

A lightstick that I borrowed from a kind ELF

Okay so when it was announced that D&E would be coming to Malaysia, Ain and I were both like 'let's not go ok don't waste any more money on kpop jangan hasut aku lagi' because we just each bought an album (Epik High for me, Park Bom for her) (P.S. legends) at the time. We were reaaaallyy determined to not go to this one. 

HOWEVER, two days before the concert, Donghae posted a picture on Instagram saying that he was coming to Malaysia and THIS GIRL just had the nerve to make a story about it and I don't even know why I replied to it and all of a sudden we were questioning (PERSUADING) each other to actually go to the concert???? Like she checked the ticketing website and tickets were still available and we asked for our families' permission and after hours of screaming and a little bit of madness POOF there you go. Two CAT3 tickets bought with less than 48 hours remaining for preparation. 😌

4th May 2019. D-Day.

The weather forecast showed that it was going to rain that day so I brought a raincoat and a cap with me. Met up with Ain at the KTM station and we couldn't stop smiling dude like I kept giggling every now and then. There were a lot of people wearing blue so we assumed that they, too, were going to the concert😂. Anyway, we took the 10:37 a.m. train to KL Sentral, and transferred to another train going to Batu Tiga Station. We reached the station around 1:00 p.m. so we didn't really have hopes for any freebies by then. At the station, though, we bumped into two ELFs in the surau and decided to go to the venue together via GrabCar hehe.

Here goes a funny but not that funny story. Ain and I were excitedly wearing our caps since someone tweeted that it was scorching hot at the Malawati Stadium, where the concert would be held. Nevertheless, the moment the car moved, rain droplets started to fall on the windscreen... We honestly wanted to hide from the driver and the other two ELFs. It wasn't even light rain, it was showering doh haha we kept whatsapp-ing each other since I was in the front seat, exclaiming how embarrassing it was. We ended up taking our caps off at the same time.😂😂

It was still raining when we arrived so we put our raincoats on. We couldn't even take pictures with the standees because of the strong winds.😐 Got our tickets from the ticketing booth and had to squeeze ourselves between human beings under the tents. At that point, there really wasn't a little bit of hope of getting any kind of freebies, but all of a sudden someone was going around giving out her freebies and I was overjoyed because that was the only freebie that we got that day (guess who's feeling grateful? :') ) It probably took an hour or so for us to get in and in that duration I just wanted to get out of there as my clothes were both damp from the rain and sweaty at the same time EWW. 

When we could finally move, I started jumping and running around again as the excitement returned! (Even my fingers are excited to type right now😂) Scanned our tickets and went up the stairs to get to our seats on the third floor. I don't know about the other floors but our floor was soooooo dark and I could barely see anything without my flashlight on, and the height of our seats were not helping at all. Aku pulak of course lah gayat ha dah sedar diri sikit sejak naik gunung haritu so elak pandang bawah masa jalan. Our seats were on the second farthest back and right side of the stadium, but it was fine since the view was still satisfying. As we waited for the concert to start, people at the back of our seats moved to the middle zone (a more expensive one) and we followed suit since the zone was barely filled hehe and that's how we managed to upgrade our seats!😂

The ticket and handheld banner

Our new view!
Before the concert started, Ain mentioned about this one ELF sitting next to her having a lot of lightsticks and I don't know if the ELF heard her or not, but she offered to lend us her other lightsticks omg who would say no to that?! That was very kind of her doh I'm still grateful to her until today, as she's the reason that we were able to enjoy the concert even more!💖 If somehow you're reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope everything goes well for you!

We took the picture in a rush as people started screaming, signalling the start of the concert!

I recorded a lot this time sebab taknak acah feel the moment as I did during the BTOB Fan Meeting last year because I ended up forgetting most of it anyway. Donghae spoke a lot of Mandarin the whole concert and I was like no I don't understand sweetie I'm only a beginner level student in Mandarin :')) The translator didn't translate the Mandarin parts (or did she?) so the only things that I knew were wo ai ni wo hen gaoxing and all that hahaha. He made me feel like studying Mandarin even harder and more diligently from that moment onwards.



The lights were beautiful and I was proud of participating among the blue ocean of lightsticks💙

After the concert, we really didn't want to move from our seats, so we stayed there and took pictures until we heard people blowing whistles, probably asking us to leave haha. I said goodbye to the ELFs sitting beside me and could see how ELFs are the mature fandom who are just kind to each other.

Never forgetting this experience :(


There were a lot of funny moments that I only found out through my videos and other fancams because we were sitting tooooooo far in the back to notice. On our way back to Seremban, I watched the videos that I took and had to stop myself from laughing out loud as my voice was too high-pitched and excited when doing the fanchants, especially during Oppa Oppa. Man it was hilarious! It made me go like 'aw girl you're that excited huh'. 😂

The duration of the whole concert was around 2.5 hours. It felt short, but long enough to keep us content. I don't regret this last-minute decision one bit. It felt nice to finally see Super Junior members (even if only two of them) in front of my own eyes. The feeling was quite different from what I felt with BTOB last year. Like, you know, finally seeing someone whom you've liked for quite a long time, but feeling like you'll keep seeing them in the future. I don't even know why I felt that way but I have high hopes for Super Show now. That's probably the reason why I moved on much faster than when I did with BTOB.😛

The only freebies that I got 😂

Aside from the freebies, we bought D&E lanyards outside the venue after the concert just to add to our poor amount of freebies. 😂 I don't even wear my university lanyard but I was sooo proud of wearing Eunhyuk lanyard all the way back to Seremban. Eunhyuk was my first SJ bias, and I found out that Donghae was Ain's first SJ bias, and now we're both back to having them as our biases. 😝

Eunhyuk for me, Donghae for Ain

Proud to say that my first concert was the D&E Concert.🙈 May we meet again in the future, and that time, with all of the members.💙

Credits to Miki 💓

Till the next post!💞
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Assalamualaikum 💖

Hi guys! I'm finally publishing this post two days after I attended BTOB in Malaysia. It took me a while to post this because this event is very momentous to me, so I'd like to keep it as a precious memory by writing as perfectly as I can.

But first, I'm going to warn you that I might get too excited because I already AM ecstatic right now. (Click here to play Warning by Day6!)

Another but, but I feel super guilty for Day6 though. They just had their comeback but I couldn't focus on them since they came back during my Week 14. When the hectic week was over, I needed to prepare myself for BTOB concert, so I promised myself to start streaming Day6's new songs on Monday. However, here I am, on Tuesday, still unable to move on from BTOB members. *sigh* I'm going to try to move on ASAP seeing that tomorrow is our Brian's birthday!🍰

Alright, first things first, Ain is the one who planned the trip and bought the tickets for both of us, so thank you! I've known BTOB since their debut, and I really loved Insane and Irresistible Lips because of how catchy they were, but after those two songs, I think I lost track of their updates. I did listen to some of their new songs but I wasn't much of a big fan. I only started paying full attention to them again when Missing You came out. That song left a huge impact on me and I couldn't move on for a while. Ain being a big fan of BTOB really wasn't helping, because she let me know what the members are really like and that made me grow fond of them. The end!

Okay it's not the end. It's really the beginning of everything that I'm about to tell you. I don't know if it's going to be a lengthy post or not, but I'm going to go through a lot of phases of editing before I post this. I want to keep these memories forever so I need to let everything out. Prior to the fan meeting, I bought myself a blue scarf and a white blouse to match the theme, which is blue and white! I also practised the fanchants for Missing You, Only One For Me and Beautiful Pain and listened to some songs of them that I didn't know. All because I didn't want to go as a clueless fan (but I still became one in the end). It felt like I was studying for an examination oh my.

D-Day. I woke up feeling like, it's the day! It's the day that I'm going to see Ilhoon! (Yes, Ilhoon is my bias, but I love all of them tbh) It's the day that I'm going to melt when I see him up close! I got ready and tried to make sure that I looked good to meet him later HAHA it was like getting ready for a date.😂 The thought of seeing them all kept me smiling to myself the whole time.

We took the commuter rail to KL Sentral and then a GrabCar to MITEC. We were already excited to see people wearing blue at the KL Sentral because for all we knew they could be Melodies too! When we reached MITEC at around 10:30 a.m. though, we couldn't see any single person alive, and it turned out we were supposed to come in through the North Entrance, not the south one. After that, I was literally skipping my way to the elevator since I was so so so so excited, I was thrilled at the thought of seeing Melodies in blue and white and to actually arrive at the venue. When we arrived on the third floor, we heard voices and saw people in blue and white gathering. It felt like I turned into an electron who got promoted to the highest level possible. We went to collect our tickets at the redemption counter, and there were standees of each member near us. Man it felt unreal that I was going to see them that afternoon.


The standees

We collected our tickets and got excited again because oh gosh what if we were selected for the photo session?! (30 fans were selected for the photo session) We chose our spots outside the hall and sat down. I read out the serial numbers on our tickets while Ain was checking the numbers of the lucky winners. Nevertheless, both of our tickets weren't on the list. It was quiet for a while. Remember how I said I couldn't stop smiling whenever the thought of meeting the members crossed my mind? Well, this was the first time that I lost my smile. I don't know, I wasn't expecting much but still I was pretty disappointed about not winning anything. We both quietly ate our sandwiches until we saw a crowd forming nearby. AAAAA we got up at once to collect the freebies given out by the Melodies. My spirit was lifted up immediately the moment Melodies started distributing freebies.😝

I was exhilarated when I got this since it was so hard to get his photocard!
The handheld banners by Melodies hehe



Anyway, our queue numbers were 525 and 526, but I was relieved to find out that the queue number would be up to 1000, so we'd still be the first half to come into the hall. I was and am honestly grateful to all the Melodies who provided the freebies like the photocards, button badges and handheld banners. BTOB Malaysia even handed out LED finger lights for those who didn't have lightsticks, and I think it was very, very nice and considerate of them. (OH MY GOD RIGHT NOW BEAUTIFUL PAIN IS PLAYING AND I WANT TO CRY) Of all the photocards, I got only two of Ilhoon oh my it just wasn't my luck. I even got a poster of BTOB! I think they were randomly selecting people with red stuff to give out the posters, so thanks to my red bag, I got one! But I gave it to Ain already since she promised to go to the Day6 concert with me next year if they were to come to Malaysia! (KEEP YOUR PROMISE)

I could see fans from all over the world coming. Indonesia, Philippines, South Korea, Taiwan, etc. Weh legit I envy them all for being able to come all the way to another country just to see people that they love on the stage. Anyway, Ain and I were separated for a while to collect photocards. All of a sudden I heard people screaming and I was like wait what's happening right now. I thought it was nothing at first but the screaming continued for a while and I panicked because I was too far from the scene. I started to make my way through the crowd only to find out that some of the members had already gone inside the hall! I WAS LIKE WEH WHY DIDN'T I GO EARLIER I COULD'VE SEEN THEM! Ain said she saw Sungjae and probably Ilhoon as well. But it's okay since I was going to see them later anyway (GWAENCHANHA GWAENCHANHA GWAENCHANHA😭).

We started queuing up some time later, but we were only allowed to enter at 4:30 p.m. according to our queue numbers. Before we entered, the management team checked our bags. Now, I said previously that I got a poster earlier right? At that time the poster was still with me, so I was stuck because I couldn't bring it in. The man said that I had to keep it at the lost and found counter. I was speechless but I held my groan in. To be frank, I felt like leaving the poster right there and just go inside because I needed to choose the perfect seat to view the boys! But macam sayang nak tinggal so I still did as required and went in afterwards. I was annoyed at first since it took a while for me to get in the hall, but I'm fine now because those people were just doing their jobs and I actually salute them for their great work.

Going in the hall, I saw that Ain was already waiting for me. We chose the seats on the right side of the stage where they already placed hand fans on the seats. I kept giggling while waiting because I couldn't believe that I was going to see them right in front of my eyes, and not on screens anymore! I had to put my spectacles on because I wanted to see them clearly (what a halmeoni).

We're in!

The hand fan that was placed at the seats

It was around 5:05 p.m. when they entered with Missing You. Screams were heard all over the hall, and I was one of the contributors. I saw them perform with my own eyes, guys. RIGHT. IN. FRONT. OF. MY. EYES. I SAW ILHOON SUNGJAE HYUNSIK MINHYUK CHANGSUB AND PENIEL ON THE STAGE DO YOU KNOW HOW UNREAL IT FELT?! I ONLY SAW THEM ON TV AND PHONE AND RIGHT THEN THEY WERE STANDING IN FRONT OF ME! SINGING! DANCING! TO MY FAVOURITE SONG!

Gosh. I never thought my voice could get that loud. I didn't scream intentionally, they just came out involuntarily. I couldn't help it. They looked so damn unreal, yet so real as if they just came out of the screen. Their voices were amazing too. They sounded exactly like they do in their songs. I didn't take a lot of pictures or videos since I decided to just enjoy the moment.

I COULD SEE THEM IN FRONT OF MY OWN EYES

Credit to Ain 💥


All of them were too handsome and cool in real life. How they acted in videos that I watched, was how they acted in real life. I can't forget how playful and funny they were then. The emcee was Hani Fadzil, and in my opinion, she did a reaaallyyy good job at it. She taught them how to say I love you in Malay, and when Ilhoon said "Saya saaaaaayangg awak!" I JUST LOST IT BECAUSE IT WAS TOO CUTE OMG IS THIS GUY FOR REAL! Hyunsik followed suit and of course, Ain went crazy. She also taught them some other words like lapar gila, cepat sikit, ah stress and lek lu hahaha weh I can't doh the way they pronounced them was way too adorable! They stole my heart!💓

For the first session, it was Melody's Wish where the boys each picked one post-it note by Melodies on the board that they placed outside the hall. I regretted not writing anything because I could've been chosen! Ugh I was pretty annoyed. The second session was playing games, where both the members and Melodies had to guess the BTOB song that was going to be played for one second. It was really fun although I didn't know a lot of their songs. One of the funny moments was when the song started with someone's breath and Hyunsik kept claiming that it was his breath oh my goodness hahaha for two songs tau. Fans that were able to answer correctly could come up on the stage to get the presents directly from the members themselves. Weh at this point I was too jealous like I wanted to answer but I didn't know the answers to them?! I probably only knew about four songs out of all the songs that they sang. Man I was so sad. I regretted not being a Melody much earlier. Every time they did or said something cute or funny (YELLOW CARD FOR JUNG ILHOON😂) I lost my mind doh. I think my sanity was practically rotting away the more I was there.


Jung Ilhoon can you not?!😕

Then the ending came. I was surprised because it felt too short. They each said their ending ments and I felt overwhelmed by them. After that they performed Beautiful Pain man I tell you it was so painful for me. The time passed by so quickly and out of the blue they had to leave. For encore, they performed Our Concert. I didn't even know the song but I enjoyed it so much, until the end.

Here are some of the ending ments by the members (credit to Bolt Korea MY):

Peniel: We hope you can wait for us until all 7 members are complete.
Changsub: We were really happy today. Until we meet again, please stay healthy. We'll come again.
Sungjae: We don't know when else we can come here, but we will come back as 7 members.
Ilhoon: I had fun with the games. I'm sorry we can't come here often.
Hyunsik: Please stay healthy until we come back here again.
Minhyuk: Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm so happy today. It will be a long time until we return. We love you all.

I don't know man this is too heart-wrenching for me. I know it's going to take a few years before all of the members can come back together to Malaysia, with the military enlistment and all. Not just to Malaysia, but to see the whole group perform again on the same stage, it will take years. After this, Minhyuk and Changsub are going to enlist, like real soon. The fact that I got to see them (although not as a whole) before their enlistment, touched my heart. I don't regret spending money to see them one bit.😊

What happened afterwards was the highlight of the day. The moment that I would remember and treasure for the rest of my life. (HELP MISSING YOU IS PLAYING I'M MISSING YOU BTOB!)

Goodbye Session. We stood up row by row to meet the members up close. We probably got less than 5 seconds each to bid all the members goodbye. When it was my turn, I remember looking at Peniel and he was looking at me so I waved him goodbye. I also saw Minhyuk, I'm not sure if he looked at me or not because my eyes dropped at Ilhoon at once. Once our eyes met I just couldn't and didn't want to break the eye contact so I kept looking at him smiling at me for those few seconds. LIKE LITERALLY HE WAS LOOKING AT ME WITH HIS CHARMING SMILE FOR SECONDS THAT FELT LIKE AGES. It was as if the world stopped spinning and there were only me and Ilhoon looking at each other for those few seconds. That look and expression of him, I don't think I can ever forget that. I couldn't move my eyes to anyone else once my eyes landed on him. I was entranced by his presence. I know it sounds cheesy and all that, but for real, for those few seconds, it felt that way. Up close, he was just in front of me waving his hands at me and smiling at me that I felt enchanted. I really didn't want to break that eye contact we had but I had to keep moving oh gosh I need more time to meet the boys up close 😭😭

I BETTER STOP THERE BECAUSE I MIGHT NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW JUNG ILHOON LOOKED AT ME WITH HIS CAPTIVATING SMILE AND HOW WE MAINTAINED THAT EYE CONTACT FOR A FEW SECONDS.

Yet, I do have a regret because I can't remember seeing Sungjae, Hyunsik and Changsub up close just because I was too stunned at Ilhoon's presence. This is too sad and funny at the same time :') Like, they're all right in front of me but I didn't even see them. Not even a glimpse! Weh I'm speechless doh just WHY WAS I LIKE THAT.😂 Your existence itself is too strong, Jung Ilhoon.😍

All of us each got one poster of BTOB outside the hall, and I also got back the poster from the lost and found counter. Frankly, I was still in a daze after meeting them all, especially after those moments with Ilhoon. I just couldn't believe that it was real. I really had a lot of fun, I enjoyed the moments I had with BTOB and Melodies. This was my first concert (fan meeting) so it meant a lot to me. It was a special one as well. I'm satisfied with everything, from the management team, to the emcee, to my seat, to the interactions, and to BTOB. The only thing that felt insufficient to me is the time we had with BTOB. Two hours is too short. I wanted to stay with them for longer.😭😭

Here goes my collection of freebies that I got from the Melodies on the day of the fan meeting. I can't remember everyone who distributed these but thank you so much! I appreciate it. 😇 To sum up, I got eight group photos, six of Minhyuk, an abundance of Changsub, two of Peniel, two of Sungjae, one of Hyunsik and two of Ilhoon. Only two of Ilhoon guys.😂

My freebies collection 💙

Thank you for everything. This would be an unforgettable experience and memory for me. Genuinely speaking, I still can't move on from the boys. The aftermath of the fan meeting is too strong. It feels as though I was left by someone I love without an explanation. It hurts a lot, I'm badly heartbroken. This is no joke at all, I'm not kidding about this heartbreak. I miss the members a lot, so I keep listening to their songs. But this makes me miss them even more, then I'd feel like crying. But I need to listen to their songs for me to heal my heart. So how am I supposed to move on from them? I wish they had stayed for longer. I'm in love already.😭💔

These memories of meeting with BTOB, is truly a beautiful pain.😔💞

(Don't get me wrong, I loved it, perhaps too much💖)

I'll miss them 😞

"If you treasure us in your hearts, we will always be with you forever."
-BTOB, 2018.

Till the next post!💘
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