Assalamualaikum 💓 

Right now I'm stressed out because of my blog. I don't know why but it lags so much recently. I tried to change to another theme but it's not working. It can only load faster if I change to an official theme from Blogger. The thing is, I don't see the same problem happening with other blogs. Ugh kesabaranku teruji di petang Ahad ini.

I like to read my posts so it's reaaallyyy frustrating when it takes too long to load. But at the same time, I like my blog pretty so I don't want to change to a Blogger theme.

Fuh, nak marah tapi kena sabar.

Please, I have no idea what I should do. Nak beli template tapi if the same issue occurs, then it would be a waste of money. Jangan sampai saya delete blog ni huahua (jk I can never do that).

Okay, let that be for a moment.

Another issue that I'm dealing with is... Overthinking.

I'm an overthinking person. I always overthink and get stressed out about it when in actuality, none of the things that run through my head occurs in real life. It sucks when I know, myself, that it's not happening, and it's not going to happen, but my mind keeps going in circles around that specific thing, which then leads to me overthinking other stuff as well.

It also sucks because when I overthink, I get hurt emotionally and then the pain turns physical. No self-harm here, none at all. Some sort of pain would suddenly strike me in the left chest and arm. I don't know how to explain it. I've tried googling the condition before but to no avail. Whenever the pain comes, that's a sign that I need to chill and get those things off my head. I don't tell this to people because it sounds utterly ridiculous, although it's real. I don't know if other people face this.

Anyway, it's not that serious. The pain would go away with the emotional pain. But I think overthinking is one of the forms of self-harm because of the effects it would give to a person. It harms you mentally, emotionally and in my case, even physically. 

I wasn't always like this. There was a point in my life when I was absolutely content and happy with myself. The abundant amount of love I had for myself was overwhelming. I remember my university friend asked me, how to not be insecure? You know what I answered her? Embrace your insecurities HAHA gila cliche. But I loved myself soooo much that not even my insecurities bothered me. But as soon as I got to job hunting, bruh my confidence level dropped to the ground ahaha.

Nowadays, it's not that I don't love myself. But my insecurities have beat me to it. In my relationship, I don't think there's a week that went by without me overthinking and seeking for reassurance. But alhamdulillah, he understands and he's being patient with that part of me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him but I still want to be with him... (dah mula overthinking) :(

OKAY STAHP! I seriously need to chill haha. These days, when I feel myself starting to overthink, I try my best to take a deep breath and think of other stuff. Be busy. Or think again. Do I really need to think that way? Is that even real? Is what I'm thinking even happening?

Alhamdulillah, it helps. Fuh. So I don't go rant to him straight away and make a mess haha but if I don't think I can get rid of that thought, then I'll tell him. We solve my complicated feelings together haha. I'm seriously grateful to meet someone who can handle me like this :(

I think that's it for today. I would LOVE to do this weekly and write again. But we'll have to see about that😴

Till the next post!