My firstborn album :(

 Assalamualaikum 💖

Well hellooooooo there! This is so awkward.

I'm unofficially done with my final semester last month, and have been on the mission of job hunting ever since. Some days I felt reeaaaalllyy happy only to end up feeling jumpy in the evening. And it's mostly due to my overthinking when I still hadn't received any calls for interviews. A few of my friends have started working already and that makes me nervous.

Bro it's only been a month. I don't know why I kept feeling that way. All the while I was going through that, somehow I kept encountering posts saying things like, "Leave your future to Allah.", "Syaitan loves it when you worry about your future and past.", and "Rezeki tak pernah salah alamat.". At that time, I felt like, I know. I know all that. But it's so hard to stop thinking and worrying. I wanted to work and help my family out but why couldn't I land myself a job? I realized that I wasn't trying hard enough, but I didn't know what to do for my effort to be enough.

It reached a point where I could feel myself straying away from Allah because of all those worries I had. I wanted to have faith that everything's going to be alright and that Allah will give the best for me sooner or later, but I swear it was so difficult to do that. I wanted to succeed in my life here but it felt like I was going to fail in the akhirah if I kept acting that way. I felt so lost, thinking why can't I succeed in both worlds? I wanted to succeed so much in this world but what's the point if the success is temporary?

The note I wrote on my phone.

Then I figured that I probably could, if I could balance both worlds. I slowed down the job seeking process for a while to get rid of my worries. I tried to listen to Islamic lectures and improve my solat just to feel closer to Allah again. Just to at least feel His presence. I haven't been very consistent but I do feel calmer and happier now. If I could istiqamah on this, I can imagine how much more content and happier I will be. I'm not saying that I don't worry at all nowadays, because I still do, but not as frequent and bad as before. Alhamdulillah.

I'm not a perfect person, and I'm not writing this to show myself being something that I'm not. I'm still trying to improve myself. I just wanted to say how much happier we will be if Allah is present in our hearts. I felt it this time around, although not fully as I'm still struggling to khusyu' when performing my prayers. I wanted to say that, when we worry too much about our future, we just kind of forget to live in the present. It would be much better if we leave all our worries to Allah and ask for His help. And lastly, I wanted to say that, the closer our hearts are to Allah, the more peaceful our lives will be, insyaallah.

May Allah help us in our journey to become better Muslims.

Till the next post!💞

Assalamualaikum 💖

Assalamualaikum.

My first post of 2020.

It's funny how my last post was on wearing braces. It's like I put on braces and poof I just disappeared without a trace, when in fact, a lot of things have happened since then. I mean it's been months, of course lots of things would have happened.

I do write sometimes, but I only have them saved in my phone. Things like my emotions, my thoughts, my dreams. Simple stuff, but ones I'd like to express at once. They're personal and I wouldn't upload them anywhere unless I feel like it.

I always write down my dreams (not dreams as in what I want to do in the future, but dreams as in the ones you have when you sleep), but not all of them. Only ones that I'd like to remember for a long time. Because once, they made me feel good when I woke up, and I want to carry that feeling in my writing, so that I can feel the emotion again in the future. I love doing it. Writing just gives you that satisfaction.

I don't have a talent for poems, but I love writing them as well! Mostly in English and Malay. I wrote one in Korean, and another one in Indonesian (Dilan is to blame). They are not exactly beautiful but the emotions I felt when I wrote them are carried in every word. For example when I wrote about my crush, and I read it now, I can still feel how fresh my feelings for him were. When we first met. When I started liking him. When I first realized it. That exact feeling right there, I can feel it. You know what I mean?

My own words carry that much impact on me.

Perhaps that's the reason my blog still lives, while others have abandoned theirs. Writing heals me. I let off some burdens through writing. I express my emotions through writing. When I don't blog, I write on my phone. Sometimes on paper, but rarely. Aaaanndd I also love to read my writings.💖 Again and again and again. Be it on this blog, my phone, or Twitter. I hope I'm not the only one who does this?😂

I can't remember if I've said this before, but because I loved books so much, I used to want to be a writer. I mean, I still do, if I could, but I don't have the confidence to do it anymore. I don't possess a variety of imaginations as I once had, so I don't think I can pull off creating an interesting world that draws readers in. Even if I could, I don't know if I could continue the story or end it well. It's been ages since I wrote short stories so ugh. I would probably try writing one again someday (when will that day come, or will it ever come, I don't know for certain). I'd love to do it as a hobby.😝

Oh man I've strayed too far. I was actually here to write on life update since it's been so long. But here we are. I'm not even surprised anymore.😂 I'm not that talkative in real life but I sure talk a lot when I write. Guess I'll write that in another post then.😂

Till the next post!💕


P.S. I just remembered that it used to be "annyeong goodbye adios" (a long time ago). I don't know how and when it changed to "till the next post" but I like it 😝