I'm back. Tiba-tiba rasa nak menaip. You know, when there's a lot that you feel inside, but you don't know how to express it. Tapi harini aku nak cuba keluarkan satu-satu.

I miss the old days.


It was my brother's birthday a few days ago. He's officially 17 now, alhamdulillah. Out of the blue fragments of memories flashed through my mind.

I remember him, a small him, crying at the beach. Screaming. He was scared of the seawater. Even when his foot touched the water, he'd cry. Such a baby.

I remember saying that I was going to marry him when he was months old. I was four then, what could I have known about marriage. I was a greedy kid, I wanted that cute baby all to myself. Not sure if I was a good sister when we were young though.

When he got older, he started to talk a lot, asking so many questions. A very curious kid. I remember getting annoyed at his questions and answering him half-heartedly. I remember asking him to be quiet instead. It wasn't until my teacher told us that it was a nature of children to become curious about everything, that I started to realize how I should respond to him.

You have to answer their curiosities. "Even when you don't know the answer, just say anything even if it sounds nonsensical to you, because it doesn't to them.", my teacher said. Of course I didn't change at once, what do you expect? I'd get annoyed, then feel guilty, then treat him better, then get annoyed again. A bad sister.

He still talks a lot now, what a chatterbox.

I remember when I was eight, I asked him for my scissors back. He wouldn't return it, so we started to fight and he accidentally cut my finger. I still have the scar on my middle finger. Luckily it looks cool and right on point, if not I would've complained to him every single day of my life.

I remember him bawling his eyes out whenever he didn't get to watch his cartoon shows. My dad even had to make a deal with him so that he would only get to watch them until 6pm. Beyond that, the remote control would be ours. Go to sleep kiddo.

He used to ask for me and my sisters' help to write his name on exercise books. Kid, deep in my heart I don't want you to stop asking me for help (although I seem to complain a lot). I want to keep being your big sister and look after you no matter how much time has passed.

Now that little boy is already 17. I feel so old. I know I'm 21 already whatever but these things just remind me of how old I've gotten. How much time has passed, making me wish that time could stop for me. I don't want to get any older because I don't know what kind of future awaits for me. It scares me.

Responsibilities that keep piling up as we get older force me to plan out my life. To be frank, I still don't know what I'm going to do after I finish my studies. Of course I'd like to work and help out my family, but what kind of work? I have no idea, whether it's going to be related to my degree or not. I thought of starting a business, but man I really don't know. For now, my only goal is to get a first class degree so that my PTPTN loan can be converted into a scholarship. Beyond that, I'm just going to go with the flow I guess.

I want to go back to being a child, in the arms of my parents, when I couldn't care less about the world. But at the same time nak balas jasa parents, I want to take care of them, and just be with my family. Can someone find me a solution😞

"Wish we could turn back time to the good old days, when our mama sang us to sleep but now we're stressed out."

But me, being me, I'm just going to live my life to the fullest at the moment.

Till the next post💕