1st birthday videos keep coming up on my fyp and I'm getting teared up. Time flies so fast. Tahu-tahu dah nak setahun dah anakku 🥺❤️

So it brings me here. To go back to the day my baby comes out to see the world, and I didn't get to see him until the next day.

It was already 40 weeks, but I could barely feel any contraction. There was the tightness that came every now and then, but it wasn't too painful (I learned later that it was mild contraction). Hari-hari jalan dekat taman dengan suami, buat exercise, jalan itik, etc. Ada sekali pergi gym sebab nak exercise guna gym ball tu haha.

40 weeks 3 days. Final checkup at KK.

Dr scan kata baby besar (3.5kg) so kena refer hospital sebab takut tak boleh bersalin normal. Pergi breakfast kejap then terus pergi PAC HTJ. Alhamdulillah dah siap-siap pack barang mama and baby masa tu. 

Dekat PAC, pakar check baby insyaallah normal je around 3.2 - 3.3kg. At the same time, since belum ada bukaan, dia tolong buka bukaan tu around 1cm and sakit gila ya. Terus rasa macam nak beranak hahaha so end up kena admit on the same day. Tapi sakit tu tak lama pun. Kejap je hewhew.

Honestly, I thought I was staying for maximum 3 days je so I only packed for that much. But nahh I ended up staying for a week hahaha macam pergi staycation pulak dah. On my second day being warded, kena induce belon which helped with the dilation (from 1cm to 3cm).  3rd day, 4cm and nama dah listed dekat labour room. Tapi still tak ada apa-apa news so masihlah stay dekat ward. Contraction pun macam ada takde je but baby kicks semua still okay. Of course lah ada menangis kan kena tinggal sorang sorang haha dok menunggu je waktu melawat nak jumpa husband and parents. Sambil-sambil tu rajin buat exercise and jalan dekat ward. At one point, ada sorang akak tu perasan cam "eh ni lah dia budak yang jalan laju tu".🤣

5th day masa nak breakfast, nurse masuk kata labour room dah panggil and I was like FINALLYYYYY agshshs masa tu just fikir tak sabar nak kena induce pastu bersalin cepat pastu boleh discharge. Semudah ABC kan fikiran aku? Yes, yes, I really thought it was that easy. But reality showed me otherwise haha.

Terus call husband inform yang aku dah nak masuk labour room so boleh datang dah. Lepas tukar baju, nurse datang ambil naik wheelchair pergi labour room. Excited + nervous masa ni haha I couldn't wait to see my baby. Sampai labour room around 8am. Dr pecahkan air ketuban and dah start sakit but it was bearable. Then, kena induce drip tu which slowly increased the pain. My breathing was like so harsh masa ni. Before D-day tu dah join kelas dah teknik pernafasan apa semua but kenapa bila buat macam salah? Like I felt I was doing it wrong but I was doing the right thing. You know what I mean? Hahaha.

Ya Allah. Memang tak tergambar sakitnya masa tu. Dengan menggigil teruk sebab labour room tu sejuk gila. Tahan sakit lagi but bukaan masih gitu je. Nurse asyik tanya nak painkiller tak but I said no sebab pernah dengar cerita kalau ambil nanti jadi lalok + susah nak focus time bersalin. Tapi lama-lama give up jugak sebab sakit sangat haha tapi boleh guna kejap je sebab rasa loyaaa. So there I was standing the pain without painkiller.

Some time later my husband came and accompanied me. Tak tahu berapa kali dah cakap tak tahan masa tu. There was no progress on the dilation. The thing that kept me going was when I heard 2 mothers in other labour rooms who made the final push and everyone was celebrating with them. I was honestly like, Ya Allah bila turn aku? 

Betul-betul rasa separuh mati masa tu. At one point memang rasa lemah sangat so bisik dekat husband lagi, tak tahan. I was doing the math in my head already, calculating whether the dilation can reach 10cm before 12 hours based on current progress hahaha sebab kalau still belum reach dilation, kena operate. Although deep in my heart I knew this wasn't about math. The dilation can go from 1cm to 10cm in just 5 mins in certain cases. So in my heart I was silently praying, kalau memang tunggu sampai 12 jam tu end up kena operate, biarlah kena operate sekarang. 

Dan ditakdirkan betul-betul kena operate. Around 2pm macam tu (after 6 hours), fetal heartbeat tiba-tiba drop and everyone was panicking suruh panggil Dr. All of a sudden, they told me and my husband that we were going to have emergency czer. No choice sebab fetal distress. At that point aku memang tak boleh fikir apa. Aku macam "bolehh buatlah apa pun to get this pain all over with and both me and baby selamat". Memang tak tahan sangat masa tu tapi masih boleh tahan tau. Hebatnya Allah bagi kekuatan dekat seorang ibu.

Tapi dalam kuat tu pun nak mengamuk jugak tinggi suara jadinya bila disuruh buat macam-macam masa tu haha. My whole body memang dah tengah kebas dari jari tangan sampailah ke kaki sebab shaking teruk dari labour room. Then nak suruh sign, tah papenya lah aku sign masa tu sebab memang tak boleh nak grip pen. Disuruhnya angkat badan nak beralih katil when I literally didn't have any strength left. Tak ke nak ngamuk kita jadinya haha but I know I was being sensitive jugak masa tu. 

Oh, forgot to mention. Masa dalam labour room Dr semua ada ambil darah for Idk how many times, and how many doctors (sampai lebam tangan aku after delivery) and result tu kata platelet level low. So because of that, aku kena ditidurkan masa operation. Tak boleh cucuk belakang tu. The last thing I heard was, "Puan, tarik nafas tahan 3 saat".

Then gone.

The next moment I woke up, I thought belum start operation lagi agdhshs so aku macam, "dah sudah ke??" Hahaha then nurse bagitau alhamdulillah baby okay. I was then moved to HDU. Dekat sana, tak ingat berapa lama but kejap lepastu husband aku sampai. I felt so weak tapi happy sangat nampak husband haha and then dia tunjuk gambar baby and I was like awww 🥺❤️ tak sabar nak jumpa baby but I knew I wasn't physically capable of it at that moment. 

Sepanjang dekat HDU tu memang mengantuk sangat (effect ubat). Kejap tidur kejap jaga kejap tidur kejap jaga. Nurse memang alhamdulillah baik sangat. Suapkan makan, bagi tips itu ini. Baik sangat akak tu. Then lagi sorang tu guide nak bergerak slowly sebab baru lepas operation kan. Ya Allah it felt so impossible to move sebab memang sakit sangat eh but I forced myself to do it anyway sebab how else was I going to take care of my baby if I couldn't move on my own?

Malam tu around 12am baru dapat naik wad. Rasa tak sabar betul nak jumpa baby masa ni. Masih ngantuk tapi jadi susah tidur sebab tak tahu bila nurse nak bagi jumpa baby hahaha excited + nervous. Then, alhamdulillah around 6am macam tu, nurse tolak baby cot dekat katil and I was like finallyyyy my babyyyy 😭 masyaallah the first time I got to hold him 😭❤️❤️❤️ the fact that I only got to hold him a day after he was born made me feel a little sad. But alhamdulillah, segala yang terjadi ada hikmahnya.

Dan seketika kemudian, bermulalah struggle aku dalam breastfeeding agdhshs. Every time baby latch, dia tidur. Then dia nangis. Nak bagi lagi, taknak. Nangis je. I was so so struggling with it. I learned this already but why so difficult?? Ada je nurse lactation something datang untuk guide, but to no avail. Malam tu tidur dengan baby menangis jelah aku. Nak balik tak olehh. Ada akak katil depan datang tolong ajar tapi tulah masa dia tunjuk okay, lepastu tak okay balik hahaha. Masa tu memang menunggu masa nak balik jelah.

Alhamdulillah, the next day boleh discharge dah. Sementara tunggu nak balik tu, ada doctor datang check kata baby ada kuning. Terus nervous and terus order nahla balm dekat tiktok masa tu jugak agdhshs wehh takut eh kalau dia suruh stay lagi dekat hospital. Orang dah excited nak balik setelah seminggu duduk hospital 😂 tapi alhamdulillah kuning baby tak reach level yang kena warded so just kena follow up KK je.

I guess that's the end of today's post. Ada banyakkk lagi nak cerita pasal my postpartum journey but that shall be in another post haha.

Alhamdulillah, baby Aqif was born last 22 September 2024. Syukur atas segala nikmatNya. The feeling of motherhood is truly life-changing. Bahagia yang tak terhingga Allah bagi dengan kehadiran insan kecil yang menjadi amanah kami. Semoga Aqif membesar jadi anak yang soleh, sihat, berakhlak mulia, berupa paras indah dan cerdik pandai. Insyaallah, amin  ❤️

Till the next post!

Dari it's 2024, now it's 2025 already hahaha.

I just installed the Blogger app on my phone, so yes this will be the first post that I'm posting through my phone hihi. Selama ni malas nak install sebab rasa macam app ni leceh tapi okay je rupanya. It's been too long since I've written paragraphs and that's the reason that I'm back here on Blogger. I miss writing (as I always say). 

I feel like my brain's functionality is reducing as I neither read nor do math these past few years. Sometimes it makes me wonder how in the world was I a top student when my memory is like this? I keep forgetting stuff. But I guess our IQ can change as time passes by. If we continue to utilize our brain, insyaallah our IQ will stay or get higher. But if we don't, me now is what we become haha. Polished stuff don't stay shiny forever. You stop polishing it, then time will tell you whether it loses its shininess or starts to rust. Ah gitu.

Semoga dengan ini saya mula membaca dan buat math balik. Amin!

Hahaha tiber sangat tau. Padahal asalnya nak cakap pasal benda lain. Cam biasa lah kan tak pernah nak straight to the point. Anyway, before I start my story, long story short, alhamdulillah I delivered my baby boy last September hehe. That will have to wait another post haha because todayyy what I want to write about is...

RSV.

Respiratory syncytial virus.

Sebelum ni pernah je dengar pasal RSV dekat tiktok which memang kesian sangat tengok baby kena. Mostly kena warded, nafas lekuk, wayar cucuk sana sini. Luluh hati bila tengok sebab terbayang dah perasaan ibu dia. Kita pun of course lah dah baca apa simptom yang kita kena take note kan (moga dijauhkan dari anak-anak semua). Takut ya kalau kena.

So anyway, my 10-month-old baby caught a fever one day (sebelum tu dah on off fever for 3 days). Pergi klinik, check darah, okay alhamdulillah. Next day still panas tapi on off. 3rd day malam before tidur tak rasa panas, after 2 hours macam tu tiba-tiba panas sangat. Bagi ubat then decide nak jumpa pakar esoknya sebab risau lama sangat demam.

Pakar suggest buat swab test and guess what? RSV positive. I was shocked tbh cam "ha RSV ke" tapi senyum sebab tak tahu nak react macam mana. Tapi Dr advise buat neb daily je and tengok macam mana. So of course lah I didn't think it was that serious. And kitorang pun macam ok ok je since baby aktif macam biasa even though demam + batuk + selesema. Takde nampak lemau ke apa.

Next day macam dah perasan nafas dia laju sikit. Petang tu masa nak buat neb (dekat klinik lain), Dr pun mention nafas dia laju so dia nak refer hospital. At this point, I was still macam in denial sebab baru semalam pakar tu kata buat neb daily je?? And the way she explained, this wasn't like a serious issue?? So I said, "kalau monitor kat rumah je tak boleh ke Dr sebab dia aktif je" as I imagined all the wires connected to my baby and I couldn't take it. TAKUT. Then, what the Dr said just made my heart drop.

"Boleh tapi risau sebab nafas dia laju. Jantung kita ni guna muscle and kalau laju sangat lama-lama apa jadi dekat muscle tu?"

"Penat..."

Sumpah takut masa ni. Pastu masa baby buat neb + sedut kahak ha memang menangis lah haku dekat situ.

Malam tu jugak pergi KPJ tapi tak ada bilik kosong since kes RSV kena stay dalam bilik yang single bed. Call private hospitals lain pun sama, tak ada kosong. We had the option to go straight to HTJ but we just wanted a faster process gitulah kononnya. Esoknya datang balik KPJ jumpa pakar. What he said, though, made my heart drop for the second time. 

Katanya baby nampak sesak nafas, kahak banyak. Masa tu still tak ada bilik available so dia suggest pergi HTJ terus sebab dah lambat, tak boleh tunggu lagi. I was so scared. To be very very honest I didn't expect that sebab alhamdulillah baby memang aktif je main macam biasa although dia tak sihat. Here I learned that kita tak boleh nak memandai when it comes to children's health. Sebab anak-anak tak tahu nak express rasa sakit tu. Kita nampak diorang okay tapi boleh jadi sebaliknya.

Lepas ambil neb (disertai tangisan baby dan mamanya), terus shoot pergi Kecemasan HTJ. Hampir berlari ya aku dibuatnya. Dekat sana, nak naik baran jadinya jumpa doctor yang judgmental. Doctor lain okay je. Dia sorang je gitu 😭 sakit jiwa raga jadinya. 

Bila dah dekat hospital, sambunglah lagi drama air mata baby + mama ahaha. Anak nangis, mak nangis. Anak tak nangis pun tetap maknya nangis agshshs. Tak bolehlah eh tengok anak sakit. First time dia kena pasang wire kat hidung untuk oxygen tu. First time kena cucuk IV drip masuk air. Tengok anak orang lain kena pun dah nangis, apatah lagi anak sendiri. 

Duduk emergency tu 7 jam++ sebab kena tunggu patient lain discharge dekat wad. Malam tu husband jaga. First time ya balik rumah masuk bilik tidur sorang sorang. Nangih la jugak. Lahh tak habis-habis nangis hahaha tapi gitulah kita ni hati tisu jugak sebenarnya. Selalu pam susu malam memang terus masuk botol sebab baby akan bangun minum. Tapi masa tu terus pack dalam storage bag sebab baby kat hospital. Cedihhh lagi. 

Lupa cakap. That very same day dekat hospital, baru nampak baby penat. Sebelum tu memang aktif sangat tapi kali ni nampak letih je nak tidur je. Risau jiwa raga. Tapi alhamdulillah the next day nampak aktif balik and dah boleh off oxygen hehe yayy. But since dia masih taknak minum susu/makan, still kena masuk air lagi. Luluh hati tengok bibir kering sampai berdarah hm.

After 2 days baru stop masuk air. Then once dah makin better minum susu and result darah pun okay, alhamdulillah baby discharged setelah 4 hari 3 malam dekat hospital 🥹 Sepanjang dekat hospital tu teringat je moments kena stay hospital seminggu masa nak bersalin haritu haha.

Alhamdulillah. So so so grateful Ya Allah. Rasa bersyukur tak terkata bila anak dah sihat. Masa mula-mula masuk tu, terus cari zikir apa nak baca waktu tak sihat and I found this:

Just sharing the zikr here. Banyak kali ulang baca dan doa supaya baby cepat sihat, cepat discharged. Tak sanggup tengok anak tak sihat lama sangat. Alhamdulillah, Allah kabulkan doa tu, berkat doa ramai orang yang sama-sama doakan baby jugak 🥺 Allahuakbar. Hanya Allah yang Maha Menyembuhkan ❤️

Lessons learned:

1. Be extraaaaa careful bila diri sendiri tak sihat/bawa anak keluar sebab kita pun tak tahu dan tak boleh nampak virus tu dekat mana. Tapi semoga tak sampai jadi paranoid lah.

2. Bila anak demam, always check suhu sebab memang tu je Dr akan tanya. Segala history sebelum dan sepanjang anak tak sihat pun silalah ingat sebab semua Dr akan repeat tanya balik.

3. Kalau rasa tak sedap hati, check je. Kalau ada apa-apa, insyaallah boleh detect awal. Kalau tak ada apa-apa sekalipun, alhamdulillah. Hati dah lega. Takdelah asyik terfikir-fikir.

Sampai sini dulu. Till the next post!

(Moga-moga soon. Hehe.)

*tarik nafas dalam-dalam*

*hembus nafas sambil tiup blog yang dah sekian lama berhabuk*

Helloooo my baby blog! It's been more than a year since I last posted haha.

Macam biasalah. Kadang-kadang rasa nak menaip tapi mood tu tak cukup sampai. Nak menaip dekat phone pun takdan dah. 

So, setahun dah berlalu. What's up? What's changed?

The biggest change in my life over the past year would be that, I'm married now! Alhamdulillah. Is it too late to write about the big day? Hahaha I guess it is, but you know what? I'm going to do it anyway!

Alhamdulillah, I'm married to A whom I talked about here last December. The preparations went well, although a bit stressful at times. I started my surveys and booked the big big stuff like the wedding hall, photographer, pelamin, MUA, etc. since the previous year. Why so early, if you ask me? Sebab aku taknak stress agshshs but at the same time need to make sure that you have surveyed enough and went through everything before you decide to go for the one.

I guess the top #1 thing that stressed me out was the pelamin/catering (same PIC). I booked them in Jan/Feb 2023. Everything was okay je, PIC pun baik and helpful. Problem dia satu je - kedai dia jauh dari rumah but since harga dia affordable and everything looked good, aku okay je. Tapi lama-lama jadi tak okay sebab rasa macam dia explain tak habis. A few times jugak kena berulang pergi kedai dia sebab nak double confirm information masa majlis tu. Sebab dekat whatsapp tu tah la nak reply nya lambat, lepastu kadang-kadang macam dia tak faham pulak apa aku tanya. Banyak sangat miscommunication. Tapi dia baik tapi ko faham tak 😭

Paling tak boleh go, untuk pelamin and deco tu, I requested colour all white + soft pink gitu. Macam 90% white, 10% soft pink. Kira taknak ada colour hijau daun tu langsung lah and dia pun macam "okay kita boleh buat". Tapi wahh. Sehari sebelum majlis, diorang sampai dewan lambat untuk setup, buat haku stress je malam tu. Pastu esok pagi-pagi bangun masa D-Day tu, tengok dia send gambar pelamin lagi rasa macam nak ngamuk tapi takleh ngamuk sebab nak kahwin agshshs. KENAPA ADA HIJAU DI SITUUU. HARITU KATA BOLEH BUAT TAPI KENAPA MASIH ADA HIJAU-HIJAUAN. Okay tutup cerita, dah hampir setahun dah. Masa tengok gambar dia send tu, I kept reminding myself like, "takpe benda dah jadi, tenang tenang just go with the flow".

Would I recommend them? Only the catering, yes, sebab makanan dia sedap and service pun bagus hewhew. Not the pelamin. 

Okay back to the D-Day! Weirdly enough, alhamdulillah, aku sangatlah tenang before, during and after majlis haha. Pagi tu macam chill je, macam takde apa nak pergi nikah ni. Siap-siap, gelak-gelak apa semua, masih tenang. Knowing myself, I would have cried sebab nervous + rasa overwhelmed haha tapi alhamdulillah Allah kurniakan ketenangan luar biasa hari tu. Lepas nikah pun masih chill lagi. Ingatkan tengok mama nangis, aku nangis sekali tapi tidakk. Suami kita pulak yang nangis haha comel je 😂 

Alhamdulillah. Segala puji bagi Allah. Everything went well. Syukur dikelilingi keluarga dan kawan-kawan yang baik. Yang membantu menenangkan jiwa raga.

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The next news would be, alhamdulillah, we're blessed with a mini us inside me. I've started my maternity leave since our baby is due this week. I can't wait to meet these little kicks, but at the same time I'm feeling nervous. 

My pregnancy journey is good, alhamdulillah. Tak ada craving yang bukan-bukan and in fact, the craving can wait haha opposite sangat dengan before pregnant. Sebelum ni, ada masanya bila craving tu boleh nangis kalau tak dapat ya 😂 Tapi alhamdulillah pregnancy craving ni memudahkan hehe. The worst part would be masa first trimester bila aku tak boleh nak bau masakan. Goreng ke rebus ke apa ke, semua tak boleh. Everything smelled nasty. Like I know it's just the smell of food tapi Ya Allah tak boleh tahan bau tu. I think it lasted until 4-5 bulan then it slowly disappeared. After that, bermulalah episod-episod sakit badan sampailah sekarang haha.

Lagi satu, emosi jadi lagi senang terganggu. Lagi senang menangis. Lagi-lagi bila overthinking ni, mulalah. Tiba-tiba je nangis. But that's normal je kan.

Insyaallah, doakan aku dan baby selamat dan sihat sepanjang proses sebelum, semasa dan selepas bersalin nanti. Insyaallah we can do this!

Till the next post!