1st birthday videos keep coming up on my fyp and I'm getting teared up. Time flies so fast. Tahu-tahu dah nak setahun dah anakku 🥺❤️

So it brings me here. To go back to the day my baby comes out to see the world, and I didn't get to see him until the next day.

It was already 40 weeks, but I could barely feel any contraction. There was the tightness that came every now and then, but it wasn't too painful (I learned later that it was mild contraction). Hari-hari jalan dekat taman dengan suami, buat exercise, jalan itik, etc. Ada sekali pergi gym sebab nak exercise guna gym ball tu haha.

40 weeks 3 days. Final checkup at KK.

Dr scan kata baby besar (3.5kg) so kena refer hospital sebab takut tak boleh bersalin normal. Pergi breakfast kejap then terus pergi PAC HTJ. Alhamdulillah dah siap-siap pack barang mama and baby masa tu. 

Dekat PAC, pakar check baby insyaallah normal je around 3.2 - 3.3kg. At the same time, since belum ada bukaan, dia tolong buka bukaan tu around 1cm and sakit gila ya. Terus rasa macam nak beranak hahaha so end up kena admit on the same day. Tapi sakit tu tak lama pun. Kejap je hewhew.

Honestly, I thought I was staying for maximum 3 days je so I only packed for that much. But nahh I ended up staying for a week hahaha macam pergi staycation pulak dah. On my second day being warded, kena induce belon which helped with the dilation (from 1cm to 3cm).  3rd day, 4cm and nama dah listed dekat labour room. Tapi still tak ada apa-apa news so masihlah stay dekat ward. Contraction pun macam ada takde je but baby kicks semua still okay. Of course lah ada menangis kan kena tinggal sorang sorang haha dok menunggu je waktu melawat nak jumpa husband and parents. Sambil-sambil tu rajin buat exercise and jalan dekat ward. At one point, ada sorang akak tu perasan cam "eh ni lah dia budak yang jalan laju tu".🤣

5th day masa nak breakfast, nurse masuk kata labour room dah panggil and I was like FINALLYYYYY agshshs masa tu just fikir tak sabar nak kena induce pastu bersalin cepat pastu boleh discharge. Semudah ABC kan fikiran aku? Yes, yes, I really thought it was that easy. But reality showed me otherwise haha.

Terus call husband inform yang aku dah nak masuk labour room so boleh datang dah. Lepas tukar baju, nurse datang ambil naik wheelchair pergi labour room. Excited + nervous masa ni haha I couldn't wait to see my baby. Sampai labour room around 8am. Dr pecahkan air ketuban and dah start sakit but it was bearable. Then, kena induce drip tu which slowly increased the pain. My breathing was like so harsh masa ni. Before D-day tu dah join kelas dah teknik pernafasan apa semua but kenapa bila buat macam salah? Like I felt I was doing it wrong but I was doing the right thing. You know what I mean? Hahaha.

Ya Allah. Memang tak tergambar sakitnya masa tu. Dengan menggigil teruk sebab labour room tu sejuk gila. Tahan sakit lagi but bukaan masih gitu je. Nurse asyik tanya nak painkiller tak but I said no sebab pernah dengar cerita kalau ambil nanti jadi lalok + susah nak focus time bersalin. Tapi lama-lama give up jugak sebab sakit sangat haha tapi boleh guna kejap je sebab rasa loyaaa. So there I was standing the pain without painkiller.

Some time later my husband came and accompanied me. Tak tahu berapa kali dah cakap tak tahan masa tu. There was no progress on the dilation. The thing that kept me going was when I heard 2 mothers in other labour rooms who made the final push and everyone was celebrating with them. I was honestly like, Ya Allah bila turn aku? 

Betul-betul rasa separuh mati masa tu. At one point memang rasa lemah sangat so bisik dekat husband lagi, tak tahan. I was doing the math in my head already, calculating whether the dilation can reach 10cm before 12 hours based on current progress hahaha sebab kalau still belum reach dilation, kena operate. Although deep in my heart I knew this wasn't about math. The dilation can go from 1cm to 10cm in just 5 mins in certain cases. So in my heart I was silently praying, kalau memang tunggu sampai 12 jam tu end up kena operate, biarlah kena operate sekarang. 

Dan ditakdirkan betul-betul kena operate. Around 2pm macam tu (after 6 hours), fetal heartbeat tiba-tiba drop and everyone was panicking suruh panggil Dr. All of a sudden, they told me and my husband that we were going to have emergency czer. No choice sebab fetal distress. At that point aku memang tak boleh fikir apa. Aku macam "bolehh buatlah apa pun to get this pain all over with and both me and baby selamat". Memang tak tahan sangat masa tu tapi masih boleh tahan tau. Hebatnya Allah bagi kekuatan dekat seorang ibu.

Tapi dalam kuat tu pun nak mengamuk jugak tinggi suara jadinya bila disuruh buat macam-macam masa tu haha. My whole body memang dah tengah kebas dari jari tangan sampailah ke kaki sebab shaking teruk dari labour room. Then nak suruh sign, tah papenya lah aku sign masa tu sebab memang tak boleh nak grip pen. Disuruhnya angkat badan nak beralih katil when I literally didn't have any strength left. Tak ke nak ngamuk kita jadinya haha but I know I was being sensitive jugak masa tu. 

Oh, forgot to mention. Masa dalam labour room Dr semua ada ambil darah for Idk how many times, and how many doctors (sampai lebam tangan aku after delivery) and result tu kata platelet level low. So because of that, aku kena ditidurkan masa operation. Tak boleh cucuk belakang tu. The last thing I heard was, "Puan, tarik nafas tahan 3 saat".

Then gone.

The next moment I woke up, I thought belum start operation lagi agdhshs so aku macam, "dah sudah ke??" Hahaha then nurse bagitau alhamdulillah baby okay. I was then moved to HDU. Dekat sana, tak ingat berapa lama but kejap lepastu husband aku sampai. I felt so weak tapi happy sangat nampak husband haha and then dia tunjuk gambar baby and I was like awww 🥺❤️ tak sabar nak jumpa baby but I knew I wasn't physically capable of it at that moment. 

Sepanjang dekat HDU tu memang mengantuk sangat (effect ubat). Kejap tidur kejap jaga kejap tidur kejap jaga. Nurse memang alhamdulillah baik sangat. Suapkan makan, bagi tips itu ini. Baik sangat akak tu. Then lagi sorang tu guide nak bergerak slowly sebab baru lepas operation kan. Ya Allah it felt so impossible to move sebab memang sakit sangat eh but I forced myself to do it anyway sebab how else was I going to take care of my baby if I couldn't move on my own?

Malam tu around 12am baru dapat naik wad. Rasa tak sabar betul nak jumpa baby masa ni. Masih ngantuk tapi jadi susah tidur sebab tak tahu bila nurse nak bagi jumpa baby hahaha excited + nervous. Then, alhamdulillah around 6am macam tu, nurse tolak baby cot dekat katil and I was like finallyyyy my babyyyy 😭 masyaallah the first time I got to hold him 😭❤️❤️❤️ the fact that I only got to hold him a day after he was born made me feel a little sad. But alhamdulillah, segala yang terjadi ada hikmahnya.

Dan seketika kemudian, bermulalah struggle aku dalam breastfeeding agdhshs. Every time baby latch, dia tidur. Then dia nangis. Nak bagi lagi, taknak. Nangis je. I was so so struggling with it. I learned this already but why so difficult?? Ada je nurse lactation something datang untuk guide, but to no avail. Malam tu tidur dengan baby menangis jelah aku. Nak balik tak olehh. Ada akak katil depan datang tolong ajar tapi tulah masa dia tunjuk okay, lepastu tak okay balik hahaha. Masa tu memang menunggu masa nak balik jelah.

Alhamdulillah, the next day boleh discharge dah. Sementara tunggu nak balik tu, ada doctor datang check kata baby ada kuning. Terus nervous and terus order nahla balm dekat tiktok masa tu jugak agdhshs wehh takut eh kalau dia suruh stay lagi dekat hospital. Orang dah excited nak balik setelah seminggu duduk hospital 😂 tapi alhamdulillah kuning baby tak reach level yang kena warded so just kena follow up KK je.

I guess that's the end of today's post. Ada banyakkk lagi nak cerita pasal my postpartum journey but that shall be in another post haha.

Alhamdulillah, baby Aqif was born last 22 September 2024. Syukur atas segala nikmatNya. The feeling of motherhood is truly life-changing. Bahagia yang tak terhingga Allah bagi dengan kehadiran insan kecil yang menjadi amanah kami. Semoga Aqif membesar jadi anak yang soleh, sihat, berakhlak mulia, berupa paras indah dan cerdik pandai. Insyaallah, amin  ❤️

Till the next post!